Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

3 weeks & 2 days old Friday 8 August 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — timeforanother @ 10:48 pm

I’m still totally in love with our little boy and enjoying motherhood much more the 2nd time around. I’m guessing there is still a load of relaxin surging around my body because doing any walking, particularly with the pram, gives me terrible aches and pains in my back, knees, feet. However, today I took the last of my antibiotics and anti-infection tablets and fingers crossed, I’m back to relative normality!

I’ve had a quick look back at some of my earlier entries this evening. Such an odd feeling – it’s like it was yesterday, not over 6mths ago, yet it also feels slightly surreal and far away. It has brought back some of the rawness and has made me cry. I know I’m moving on because I’m able to cry not only for the loss of the triplets by the twins’ reduction, but also cry for me. Now I’m out on the other side (a place I really couldn’t imagine) I find it’s getting easier to recognise what a terrible thing we have been through. I am eternally grateful that counselling exists – my current counsellor is amazing and has really helped me work through some very difficult experiences (which are not just about the reduction & pregnancy). I don’t think I’ll every truly ‘get over’ it all but I am learning how to manage things in a different way. Accepting that what we did makes us who and what we are is important – the twins will never ever be forgotten or any less part of our family; I grieve for them everyday, but I look at my gorgeous son and deep down wonder if he would be here if we hadn’t gone through with the reduction. He’s so small and vulnerable and needy and I love him with all my heart, I need to be strong for him. Yet I know that I will talk to him about his siblings one day and I will show him the scan pictures. I hope he will understand and forgive us. Slowly slowly, I am learning how to understand and forgive myself. 

And now, my little one needs feeding. It’s weird how I just let my body do it’s thing whilst pregnant – it did the nurturing; now he’s here, it feels much more like I am in control of looking after his needs, and it’s me who is nurturing him, not just some biological occurrence.

Also feeling more connected with my daughter today as she asked for cuddles with me at least 3 times – something she hasn’t done for quite some time. I’ve missed my cuddles with her

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A rather delayed birth story!! Monday 4 August 2008

Firstly, thank you to those of you who have posted comments wondering whether our little boy had arrived yet. It still amazes me to think that people are interested in reading my blog – many thanks to you all!

As you may have guessed, I have had our little boy – he arrived on 16th July, a whole 6 days early, and he’s just perfect 😀  Here’s the story:

I woke up on Weds 16th July at 6am with tummy cramps, initially I thought I was dreaming then realised that no, they were in fact real. They felt different to the cramps I had been having so I thought I’d time them (whilst my husband snoozed beside me) – I timed them for a couple of hours until about 8am – they were coming every 15 minutes and were strong but not uncomfortable. DH woke up and I told him that he should probably stay at home from work. Then we set about thinking what we should do about our daughter. Unfortunately her nursery was full that day so we called up DH’s mum who very kindly agreed to come and fetch her. It’s a 2hr drive for her so we carried on calmly with the day – I showered and ate breakfast and loaded up http://www.contractionmaster.com on my laptop so I could keep track of what was happening. We then phoned the labour ward to let them know that things were underway, and they said to phone back when the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart or if my waters broke.

So, around lunchtime, some builders turned up to assess a problem with the brickwork, then MIL arrived to fetch our daughter, followed by the internet grocery shopping I’d ordered the day before!! All rather hectic and it sent the contractions a bit haywire – they felt a little less intense and came on and off. Once everyone had gone and it was just me and DH, we were able to relax and I got my rhythm back again. They were coming every 6-7 minutes and starting to increase in intensity and length. We laid back on the sofa and watched The Incredibles (well, I did, my DH snored all the way through!!).

At around 5pm we decided to set up the birthing pool and I lit my aromatherapy candle so the bedroom became a virtual spa 🙂 I moved into the bedroom as the lights were a bit less harsh and the mood was set. Whilst DH sorted out the pool, I lay on the bed and breathed through each contraction, feeling calm and a little excited that this was really it. By 7pm we decided to time things for an hour before calling the labour ward again. At this point contractions were coming approx every 4 minutes and lasting from 40 seconds – over a minute. I sat on the birthing ball and rocked side to side which made things feel much easier and DH gave me lovely soft-touch massage on my back, whilst we played the hypnobirthing cd to really really relax. At 8pm ish we called the labour ward again to tell them that we were at a steady 4mins apart with each one lasting an average of 1minute – they were handing over from day to night shift so got a midwife to call me back at around 8.30pm. She agreed to come out and assess me, bringing a student mw with her. In the meantime I decided it was time to put on the TENS machine…

Only to discover it was malfunctioning – the ‘boost’ button which you press when having a contraction didn’t work, and the machine randomly flicked from regular to ‘burst’ mode without any intervention. This was entertaining for a short while but ultimately useless for the job intended. Thankfully a friend had offered us the use of their machine so a quick phone call later, they dropped it off then about 5 minutes later the mw turned up.

They watched me for a little while and asked some questions then took my temperature, blood pressure (weirdly lower than for almost the entire pregnancy!!) and baby’s heartbeat. Then they did the internal to see how dilated (if at all) I was. The mw went first whilst the student waited in the other room – the mw whispered in my ear that I was 6cm!! This was so unbelievably good to hear – I’d only got to 5cm after 2.5days of labouring with my dd, I could have cried with happiness. The student then did her examination and they discussed how they could feel the membranes bulging as our baby’s head was pressing right down. I think they were quite surprised how far along I was because the hypno techniques meant I was incredibly calm – chatting in between  contractions and really just letting my body do its thing. The mw then said they would leave us to continue whilst they sat in the living room, and that they would come and check on my progress, and listen in to baby’s hb every 15 minutes (obviously if we wanted them before we could just call out). Anyway, I phoned my mum to let her know how things were progressing (about 9.55pm) and had 3 huge contractions whilst on the phone. I had one check then the contractions were coming thick and fast. They didn’t hurt but were starting to be quite overwhelming – I got DH to check when it was ok for me to get in the pool and was told whenever I wanted. So, DH took off the TENs machine whilst I had 2 massive contractions bending over the bed. I clambered into the pool, knelt down and despite being told that the water would probably slow the contractions a little, I almost immediately felt the need to push (well actually I thought I was going to do a big poo!) the mws came running in and reassured me that there was nothing to be scared about, that my little boy was coming! They got me to feel his head which was amazing, then a big push (unprompted and not forced) the waters popped and I delivered his head, a couple of minutes later and the rest of him followed. I brought him to the surface and I will never ever forget the sight of that perfect little face looking up at me. He was tiny but perfect. My DH says I looked euphoric and that’s pretty much how I felt. 10.37pm, our beautiful boy was born weighing 6lb 8oz.

I got out of the pool and waited for the 3rd stage (delivery of the placenta) which happened about an hour after the birth without any interventions. I’d done it. I had my home waterbirth with no drugs (not even gas & air), no forced pushing or being told what to do. My body did it all and I remained calm throughout. No pain, no shouting, no swearing – a little ‘lowing’ (as in ‘the cattle are lowing’) – it was exactly as my birth plan.

The 2nd mw arrived after the birth and missed all the action! So he made tea for everyone instead. Once they’d done all their paperwork and checks, we were finally left to ourselves at around 1am. I had a quick shower, and we put some clean sheets on the bed then we snuggled up on the sofa, DH with a glass of wine, me with some squash and of course our beautiful little boy. It was amazing to be able to relax and enjoy this special time – so different to the birth of my dd where my DH was sent home at 4am and I was transferred to a ward with 3 other women & their newborns, left on my dirty sheet, unable to sit up (because of the epidural) and unable to sleep. 

So, all my worries and fears about bonding with my darling son were put to rest. I had a tear or two just after the birth and whispered to him how sorry I was about his siblings. I have cried for them since but I am so in love with our little boy – the moment I saw that face coming out of the water I couldn’t help but feel that way and I’m so happy.

Nearly 3wks on and I’m still feeling great about it all. He’s a complete poppet; sleeping and eating well, barely crying. His big sister is totally enchanted with him and gives him kisses all the time which is so sweet and lovely – I’m a very lucky mama 🙂  I’ve had some physical problems since the birth – including an infection in my uterus so am dosed up on antibiotics and anti-infection medication, but mentally things are just dandy. Again, the difference between this and how I felt after my dd is astonishing. I’ve cried over that – I feel so bad that I didn’t feel the way I do now, about her when she was born. But, I can’t change the past and I know how much I love her now (and did then, the mask of PND just hid it from me).

The placenta sits rather unceremoniously in our freezer until we can plant the cherry tree somewhere suitable, then the twins will have their special place. Although, they already have a special place within me and my ds (rather gruesome a thought for some I’m sure, but very comforting to me).

And there we are – a family of four, mama, daddy, dd and ds. And the cat! What a journey we’ve been on these last 9-10mths. I’ll continue with this blog but probably not as frequently. I hope one day my children will read it if they would like to.

 

Good news but feeling blue Tuesday 15 July 2008

Filed under: 2nd child,39wks,blue,bump,down,false alarms,pregnant,selling house,sleeping,tired,toddler — timeforanother @ 11:00 am

We accepted a cash offer on the flat yesterday – a bit lower than we really wanted but DH has got the fear about it all and just wants it to go through quickly and painlessly, which a cash sale will almost guarantee. I feel fairly ambivalent about it – wishing I had the energy to play a bit more hardball with it. The offer did come a lot quicker than we imagined, it’s not been on the market a week yet! Still, she’s got herself a beautiful flat for a bargain price, and we get to clear our debts and find a rented house to move into for phase 2 of family life.

Talking of which, still nothing going on with Wriggler. I’m starting to believe I’m going to be pregnant forever, or at least he’ll hold on til the last possible minute (which is 3 wks today). Getting really fed up now – my back is really playing up which makes moving around incredibly painful and awkward – more so than normal. My hands and feet are constantly swollen and tight; sleeping is a nightmare, what with needing to pee every few minutes, raging heartburn and of course, the incredibly annoying tummy pains which seem exciting then just fade to nothing… It doesn’t help matters that a lot of my Due in July Bounty buddies are dropping babies left, right and centre. I feel ready to meet my little boy now (and if he stays much longer, my skin is going to literally come apart)

So the blues are here today. I should be feeling happy about the sale but can’t muster any real enthusiasm – there is a pile of paperwork to complete and numerous phone calls to make which I just can’t face. Baby is sitting tight and I really want to focus on him and get on with labouring, but I seem to be stuck between the two things and neither is going to move along without some input from me. Poor old DH is trying to get a ton of work sorted in case he gets ‘the call’ from me so he is less inclined to do house sale stuff and it seems unfair of me to ask him to quite frankly – I’m just sitting around at home waiting (and looking after our dd). Today, I will drop into the managing agents office and try to get some answers from them about house stuff, fetch dd from nursery, eat lunch with dd, then whilst she naps, I’ll order some shopping online.

And try to feel cheerful!

 

Of false alarms and high hopes Friday 11 July 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — timeforanother @ 2:57 pm

Wednesday morning started at 4.30am with low down abdominal cramps which were reasonably mild but definitely there – they continued all day until about 8pm when we ate dinner, then nothing, nada. I had an appointment with my midwife in the afternoon but she didn’t want to do an internal check so I don’t know if i was experiencing early labour or practice contractions. It would have been good to know if my cervix is effaced or even dilating, but there you go, I guess I have to assume it was a practice run. Since then, nothing much has been happening – a few odd cramps but nothing to write home about. Wriggler is further down and apparently fully engaged which means needing to pee every few minutes. Today I thought I felt a trickling sensation, but again, it’s probably just wishful thinking. Last time my waters were broken during labour so I don’t quite know what to expect. Some report the full on gush, others have a slow trickle over several days… or I could just have rubbish bladder control lol!

We’re still undecided on a name for this one, despite my best efforts to get DH to agree on the name me and DD are keen on. I hope he looks like a xxx when he finally arrives otherwise things could get tricky. We have absolutely everything we need for the labour, birth and first 4-6 months 🙂 just awaiting his grand entrance now…

Other news just in: we appointed a solicitor and an estate agent earlier this week and had our very first viewing this morning. After a mad half an hour dash around the flat to shove stuff in cupboards and tidy up as much as possible, we virtually ran to the nearest cafe to leave the agent to it. Thankfully we’ve been keeping everything pretty up together so it wasn’t looking too awful. About an hour ago, we got a call to say they want a 2nd viewing on Monday afternoon!! Bloody marvellous! Just hope they don’t put in a ridiculous offer – it’s already on for quite a bit less than we really wanted. Also hoping they have a mortgage or finances in place as that seems to be the big issue currently – people wanting to buy but just can’t get the mortgage sorted… time will tell I guess.  Meantime, DH will be busy (again) finishing off the bits of DIY that need attending to. Sods law I’ll go into labour and we’ll have to put it on hold – talk about crazy timing with it all. Oh well. I really hope they like the place enough to put an offer in – it would be such a relief to have a sale under way. 

Hmmm, more tightenings in my lower tum, come on Wriggler, it’s time for us to meet you little one xxx

 

Still pregnant… Monday 7 July 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — timeforanother @ 12:19 pm

38wks tomorrow. Thought things were kicking off yesterday but it turned out to be a false alarm. This morning I had some discomfort in my lower abdomen but nothing regular. I know it’s still early but I’m getting pretty fed up now. My DD arrives back home soon with MIL in tow – thankfully she’ll be gone again tomorrow (MIL that is, not DD!) so I’m kind of hoping that nothing does happen today or tonight – really don’t want her hanging around.  I’m feeling rather down – maybe it’s just hormonal, maybe it’s deeper than that – who knows? I’m trying to feel happy, and I want to meet my son so much, but all I really feel like doing is crying 😦 My poor husband doesn’t know how to cope with me – all mood swings and snappiness.

 

Countdown commences Monday 30 June 2008

37 weeks tomorrow which means we can have our homebirth from then (all being well). The pool arrived today so a quick dash to the local DIY shop to find a suitable tap connector and we can have a test drive later on. Wriggler has definitely dropped down which makes breathing easier but walking harder – plus trips to the loo every few minutes as the pressure on my poor old bladder is constant 🙂

The antibiotics seem to be kicking in now but I’m still coughing and blowing gunk from my nose – yuk. It doesn’t really help with my breathing practice as I’m wheezing so doing the long slow breath in and out (used for contractions) is proving a bit tricky. Oh well.  The TENS machine arrived on Saturday too so we’re pretty much good to go. I’ve packed two bags in case of a hospital transfer – one for me and one for Wriggler and added in the energy bars. Our cupboards are now replete with chocolate biscuits and toast making ingredients to keep the midwife happy!

DH spent the weekend cleaning, tidying and doing DIY so the flat is looking good – we should be instructing our chosen estate agent today so it’s all go on all fronts. MIL will be coming down on Weds with the crib, baby car seat and baby bath that she’s had in her attic for us – just hope things don’t kick off whilst she’s here. Despite us telling her we didn’t want anyone around last time, she decided to turn up anyway which made us both pretty cross. I’m determined for it to be me and DH only this time, with our DD being the next person to meet Wriggler. Everyone else can just wait until we’re ready.

I’ll be seeing my midwife tomorrow so we’ll go through the birth plan and arrangements for a homebirth, then a counselling appt on Weds. As D-Day draws nearer, I can’t help but be reminded again of the twins we reduced and wonder what if…  I love them every bit as much as I love my DD and Wriggler, even though I never got a chance to meet them properly. They are still very much a part of me and will never be forgotten. I’m just so sad that we had to make the decision we did. I hope I can find some time to grieve properly for my two little babies, and that wherever they are, that they understand why we did what we did.  I’m not religious or even really that into ‘life after death’ type of thing but I hope they are kind of around and looking over us all. I know that physically they are literally a part of me having been partially absorbed and whilst that sounds a bit gruesome, it actually brings some small comfort. Emotionally the whole experience has impacted me greatly – a totally unexpected twist in our lives that has had to be incorporated somehow, and physically it’s the same I suppose (although on much less of a scale). But, life goes on and their brother is making his way into the world which brings happiness tinged with sadness. 

 

Bumpity Bump Friday 20 June 2008

Filed under: bump,hypnobirthing — timeforanother @ 3:02 pm
Tags: , ,

An edited version of one of the lovely bump photos

Me and the bump at 34 weeks pregnant

We’re off this weekend for our mini-holiday and we’re all very much looking forward to it. The first thing I packed was the remainder of my hospital bag – now it has the tiniest babygros and vests included, along with a few essentials for Wriggler and me JUST IN CASE! Also have maternity notes and Hypnobirthing handouts to take too. One more estate agent to deal with today then I can get packing the regular stuff that we need to take. 

MIL thinks that we shouldn’t go to the Eden Project as I will be too hot and waddling around – honestly, we can’t win sometimes! If I get too hot, I’ll leave or go and sit in a cafe, it’s really not a big deal. I’ll take plenty of water with me and won’t push myself to get around if it’s too much. The weather forecast doesn’t look great, but I hope we can get to see a few rock pools and the beach, even if it’s only for a short time. Just getting away will be a good thing.

Ok, over and out for the moment. Let’s hope Wriggler stays put for another couple of weeks 🙂