Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

24 weeks – baby is now ‘viable’ Tuesday 1 April 2008

Filed under: 24wks,decorating,house hunting,losing the baby,Uncategorized,viable,worries — timeforanother @ 10:15 am

Wow – this really is a big milestone to reach. I can’t help but remember the times when I really didn’t believe we would get here – everything seemed doomed with this pg and I truly believed that this little wriggler wouldn’t hold on. I still have an inkling that he might just turn up early but I’m more hopeful that it won’t be *too* early.

Everything is going ok – decorating continues, the bedroom has become a temporary storage facility, our dd is due back tomorrow (how I’ve missed her) and the house hunting is proving better each time – although we haven’t found THE ONE yet.

Off to visit my folks this weekend and I’m looking forward to some r&r, and a shopping trip to buy some much needed maternity jeans as I’m literally living in the one pair I have.

Still feeling enormous pangs of grief and guilt about the twins but I’m learning to live with them.

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Scan update Saturday 15 March 2008

Filed under: 21wks,3D scan,4D scan,depressed,down,potty training,scan,size,worries — timeforanother @ 3:37 pm

We went for the 21wk anomaly scan yesterday morning and after a couple of very low days, I really wasn’t looking forward to it, despite what I said in my last post. Most of my ‘big’ scans have been traumatic experiences this time so I felt unable to get excited about this one, in fact I was scared that we would be told bad news and find ourselves in the world of pain all over again.

Thank goodness all was well, apart from wriggler not wanting to wake up and move position, despite a half hour break and the wolfing down of chocolate and slurping of cold diet coke combined with a quick march around the hospital grounds, swinging my hips. I must have looked a very funny sight! But our boy wasn’t moving for anyone (takes after his dad 🙂 ) and the sonographer only just got to see the profile that she needed. Needless to say, the photos are rubbish. Mostly of the back of his head. Fingers crossed we’ll get some better ones at the next consultant scan.

The measurements all look good – well within the ranges for my dates.
Femur length: 36mm
Head circumference: 196mm
Abdominal circumference: 165mm
It’s most definitely a boy – she pointed out the ‘bits’ although because of the funny angle I was at, I couldn’t really tell what I was looking at. DH (darling husband) reckoned it was very obvious though!

Funnily enough, both me and DH seperately started to think about having a 3D/4D scan. I’ve always been a little bit spooked by these, and couldn’t really see the point in one of the DVDs of baby. However, both of us are wondering if it will help with the bonding. We’re not really that fussed about the DVD angle, but the opportunity to sit and watch wriggler in action (or sleeping knowing our luck) and come away with a couple of pictures. Once we realised that we’d both been thinking about it, I did some research and found a company in London which seems reasonably priced and don’t do ‘packages’ but let you decide on the day (depending on how baby has ‘behaved’) what you want to take away ie DVD and/or photos or I guess, nothing at all. Anyway, they recommend going between 24-32 wks so I’m looking at going around about 26wks which is mid April.

Had a good counselling session on Thursday. Quite a lot more is coming out now and whilst I still feel stuck and don’t know how I’m going to move forward, I feel like I’m being understood. I’m going to try and go swimming (sans toddler) at least once a week – probably Monday and Friday mornings in the hope that it will at least free my mind for half an hour or so. I guess the physical activity won’t hurt either and i’m aware of the benefit that exercise has on depression.

Ok, must go and do some parenting. DH is away this weekend so I’m entertaining dd solo (not that much different from the week). We were going to attempt potty training but dd has a cold and that comes with the associated runny bottom, plus major upset at the mere idea of wearing pants today was enough for me to delay until next weekend instead.

 

The pregnancy which just keeps giving Friday 29 February 2008

Filed under: bump,counselling,noro virus,scared,triplets,worries — timeforanother @ 2:50 pm

It really does seem like one thing after another this time. Tuesday night brought with it a nasty stomach ache (not bump related) followed by some unpleasantness of the toilet variety (sorry TMI) and the stomach ache has continued day and night up to and including today. It’s actually woken me up at night it hurts so much. I’ve tried Gaviscon in case it’s indigestion (although it feels too low down for that, and constant) but no joy with it. Also have a vice-like headache which laughs in the face of the puny paracetamol.

Managed to get a cancellation appt with the GP today and he was very nice but said basically there are a lot of tummy bugs going around at the moment and it appears to be a milder version of the Noro virus which went around at Christmas. Lovely. Can’t give me anything to help relieve the symptoms because of being pregnant other than Gaviscon and paracetamol!!

Oh well. In other pg news, we had our first joint counselling session yesterday and it was good. I always think I don’t have anything much to say at the beginning but somehow the flood gates open and before we know it, the session is ending. It was really good for me to listen to my husband and his feelings/thought about the reduction. I’m so caught up in my head that it’s difficult to remember there are other ways of looking at it and dealing with it. It’s confirmed my feeling that we both have very different takes on it, not surprisingly. I felt connected instantly with the triplets where as he didn’t, well at least not in the same way. He feels he has moved on and is looking forward to meeting the wriggler and is more excited about the pregnancy than I am. For me, things remain much the same, I’m full of grief, remorse, guilt, hatred towards myself, unconnected with the bump and our growing son, all at sea, about to go under at any moment. I had hoped that after the reduction the feeling of being caught between a rock face and quick sand, whilst standing in a fast flowing river heading towards a deathly waterfall would disappear, but it appears I’m still stuck there. I want to move on, but can’t seem to. I go through the motions of pregnancy excitement but don’t truly feel it. I love the little nappies, and the tiny clothes but I love those cute things regardless. I can’t imagine our baby wearing them, or how I’ll feel when he is wearing them. I’m scared of how I’m going to feel, or perhaps more honestly, what will happen if I don’t feel anything. I’m scared of having post natal depression again, I’m scared that our decision at 12 wks will affect this baby for all it’s life. Yet, shit happens in life and we have to find a way of getting on and not looking back too often. We can’t change the decision we made, nor would we choose to if offered it again I don’t think. But it’s become part of us all and I do feel different. I feel like a terrible mum, undeserving of my kids love. I miss my twins, my triplets. I am a mother of four, yet I will only truly know two of them. I do know that I love them all and will never forget the ones who are not with us anymore.

 

Nightmare Monday 11 February 2008

Filed under: dream,losing the baby,nightmare,worries — timeforanother @ 3:29 pm

Feeling unsettled even now after a particularly gruesome and real-feeling ‘dream’ last night. I dreamt that after having sex with my husband, there was loads of blood all down my legs then a clot fell out. When I looked at the clot, it was the tiny twins and the remaining baby which was bigger. I’m trying to be rational about it, but it’s really preying on my mind and I hope it’s not a bad omen.

 

Stop the world, I want to get off Sunday 6 January 2008

If only. This has got to be the longest 7 days in the history of man and each day has brought more extreme emotions than the last. I found a great resource in the shape of an online forum called mumsnet – their ‘multiples’ area has brought a wealth of support from twin and triplet mums, and not all doing the ‘congratulations, it’ll be hard but you can do it’ type of support. One pointed me at a blog by a French lady living in America who after IVF was expecting quads, who went on to have a ‘reduction’ (another word for fetocide, or basically eliminating one or more of a multiple pg by means of a potassium chloride injection into the fetus’ heart via your abdomen). This is something which we want to discuss with the consultant – I have no idea if it’s something that will be offered in the UK, or if it only gets offered if there are abnormalities with any of the three.

I can’t tell you how much I hate having to read about this stuff, let alone think about it happening to me, them and us. Many women get through such things by not allowing themselves to think of the babies inside them as babies but I’ve found that impossible. I was so happy to be pregnant and I can’t switch that off now that I know I’m pregnant with three. They are all my babies and I love them all unconditionally already, yet I know we can’t have three – maybe in a perfect world we could, but right now it’s doesn’t seem like an option. And it’s not just down to me, dh really doesn’t think we can do it and is worried (rightly) about the strain it would put on us as a couple, let alone the finances, having to move out of our local area and be miles away from friends and family. So all I can do right now is love them knowing they will only be with me for a short time. I’m determined to ask for a scan picture of them all in one shot – it may be morbid to some, but I don’t want any one of them to be forgotten. And anyway, reduction comes with it’s own risks – it may cause the remaining ones to miscarry so we could end up with no babies at all.

As if these things weren’t enough to overwhelm us, I also started losing ‘old blood’ (it’s brown) which is probably nothing to worry about, but this morning there was quite a lot and accompanied by strong aches/pains in my abdomen. There’s no point in calling anyone, we’re seeing the consultant tomorrow and anyway, I suspect it’s just one of those things. Still, I could really do without it. It’s just another worry on top of the mountain we already have.

Sorry this is a depressing post, but I need to get things down, and whilst my mum and husband are listening, I don’t think they can truly understand how it is for me – the one who is carrying them, who will be the one to have needles poked into her tummy, to feel the effects of hormones racing around her, to deal with the joy of being pregnant to the hell of having to decide how to proceed with the pregnancy. I keep hoping that someone will just tell me what to do, or that the scan will show abnormalities which will make decisions slightly more justified but it’s not going to happen is it? It’s really down to us and that kills me.

 

Still thinking ahead Friday 21 September 2007

Filed under: 2nd child,testing,things to do,worries — timeforanother @ 11:15 am

And even got my husband doing it too! NCT classes, hypnobirthing, maternity wear, unguents, swimming, sleeping, you name it, we’ve discussed (and continue to discuss) it. It’s so great that we’re both really excited about this, as usual I have my paranoid moments of thinking he’s just going along with it to keep me happy. But I truly believe that isn’t the case and we are both looking forward to being parents again.

OPK use starts on 25th, counting down.  Can’t wait to see those two pink lines agan!

 

Friday 7 September 2007

Filed under: 2nd child,worries — timeforanother @ 10:25 pm

A rare night in without my darling husband and a late posting. Today had a couple of unexpected turns but overall was lovely. I had a great day with our daughter who made me laugh long and hard many times – her speech is really coming on and I adore listening to her nattering away to herself. Amazingly both lunch and dinner were consumed happily, with not a crumb left on the plate; bathing went without a hitch and we had story and bed with minimal fuss.

None of which has much bearing on ‘the quest’ except to say, any wobbles I may have had regarding the sanity of going for another withered away completely today. Which is a good job really seeing as protection has gone out of the window. Metaphorically.