Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

Time to say goodbye Monday 11 January 2010

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It was the 2nd anniversary of our reduction yesterday. The days running up to it left me feeling very emotional – I re-read the blog entries and remembered those dark and difficult days so clearly. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, yet also still so vivid and raw.

I still often catch myself wondering how it might have been to have 3 little ones running around, causing mischief, winning me over with a cheeky smile… but I am grateful that we have two adorable children with us. The twins have their special place in our hearts and last night we lit two chinese lanterns and remembered our little ones. Our daughter watched from her bedroom window and waved at them as they floated peacefully up into the frosty sky.

We’ll continue to honour them in a similar fashion every year, until maybe we won’t want or feel the need to. For now, it feels right.

What has become clear is that I don’t feel the need to continue this blog. It has been incredibly useful to me, getting down those random, complicated thoughts. And when I look back to how it all started, with a mission to document a 2nd pregnancy, with a vague idea of trying for a boy… how differently it panned out. The blog will remain as a diary – one day maybe my children will read it. In the meantime, it gets a fairly steady stream of unknown readers – I know not all of those readers agree or understand what we did or why we did it, but there are at least a couple for whom it has helped. To know that you are not alone in going through this incredibly difficult time. It was the lack of information and support for this very specific procedure which I found deeply upsetting, there was no-one to turn to, until I discovered the Yahoo support group. Even there, the women were all American and had become pregnant with fertility treatments, I was the only one pregnant entirely naturally (which meant we had had no discussions about the likelihood of multiple pregnancy or it’s outcomes). However we all know the double edged sword that reduction is. We all agonised over the procedure, feel great guilt, grief and confusion, wondered ‘what if…’. Together we continue to talk, discuss, counsel and support each other. A tiny bunch of some of the bravest, strongest women I have ever encountered. I am proud to be one of them, despite the circumstances which brought us together.

And so, it is time to say goodbye. Thank you to those who have read and commented – it sure has been a bumpy ride, but life goes on, and we are all stronger for the experiences we have had.

I’d like to dedicate this blog to my wonderful husband and my gorgeous children (all four of them). I love you all to the moon and back. xxx

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Snatching 5 mins Tuesday 17 February 2009

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As both kids are napping, I suddenly remembered that I haven’t updated here for ages. Life gets in the way! Since my last post, we have been through the anniversary of the reduction and it was upsetting but ultimately I have made peace with it. We planted a beautiful weeping cherry tree, with the placenta underneath and lit two candles for our twins. Earlier in the day I had a tattoo of a pair of cherries done on the place I remember feeling them. It’s only small but feels significant.

Life goes on at it’s usual hectic pace – we’re doing Little Dippers (swimming/water safety) with our son and he adores being in the water. Maybe because he was born into it? And our daughter is settling into the Montessori nursery very well. I’m on to the 2nd term of my bookbinding course and really enjoying it. It’s good to have a little time away from being mama, to do something for myself.

This weekend we were lucky enough to have a night out, with our good friend babysitting the kids. It was fun to get dressed up and have a dance or two- something we haven’t done in a long while. We’ve vowed to make time for us as a couple at least once a month. And plans are afoot for a big move next year… more on that later maybe 🙂  Meantime we have a fortnights holiday to look forward to in early May – a much needed break for all of us, and the first time abroad for Thing 2!

 

Almost back online Monday 10 November 2008

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We finally moved in to our new home last week so things are a bit hectic – boxes everywhere and a tantrumming daughter. It’s been very unsettling for her particularly over the last couple of months, and a new home, after a week with my parents and a week in a holiday cottage, combined with starting a new nursery school 5 mornings a week. Thankfully our little boy remains pretty oblivious – the joys of being 16wks old!

The house is lovely and the area seems really nice so we hope to enjoy our time here. I had a big wobble a couple of days ago as I remembered that this time last year we would have been pregnant (just) with the triplets. It’s still so painful to remember it all; so crystal clear on all the details, just like it was yesterday. It’s so much more abstract than just thinking ‘oh well, at least I have my beautiful son’ I still miss my twins and will always feel that way. Of course our son is adorable and completely loved and every day with him is a pleasure. He’s learnt to roll over, blow raspberries and smiles the biggest, cutest smiles ever 🙂

Hopefully once our broadband connection is up and running (I’m piggybacking on someone elses wifi at the moment) I’ll be back to blogging more tales of family life.

 

3 weeks & 2 days old Friday 8 August 2008

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I’m still totally in love with our little boy and enjoying motherhood much more the 2nd time around. I’m guessing there is still a load of relaxin surging around my body because doing any walking, particularly with the pram, gives me terrible aches and pains in my back, knees, feet. However, today I took the last of my antibiotics and anti-infection tablets and fingers crossed, I’m back to relative normality!

I’ve had a quick look back at some of my earlier entries this evening. Such an odd feeling – it’s like it was yesterday, not over 6mths ago, yet it also feels slightly surreal and far away. It has brought back some of the rawness and has made me cry. I know I’m moving on because I’m able to cry not only for the loss of the triplets by the twins’ reduction, but also cry for me. Now I’m out on the other side (a place I really couldn’t imagine) I find it’s getting easier to recognise what a terrible thing we have been through. I am eternally grateful that counselling exists – my current counsellor is amazing and has really helped me work through some very difficult experiences (which are not just about the reduction & pregnancy). I don’t think I’ll every truly ‘get over’ it all but I am learning how to manage things in a different way. Accepting that what we did makes us who and what we are is important – the twins will never ever be forgotten or any less part of our family; I grieve for them everyday, but I look at my gorgeous son and deep down wonder if he would be here if we hadn’t gone through with the reduction. He’s so small and vulnerable and needy and I love him with all my heart, I need to be strong for him. Yet I know that I will talk to him about his siblings one day and I will show him the scan pictures. I hope he will understand and forgive us. Slowly slowly, I am learning how to understand and forgive myself. 

And now, my little one needs feeding. It’s weird how I just let my body do it’s thing whilst pregnant – it did the nurturing; now he’s here, it feels much more like I am in control of looking after his needs, and it’s me who is nurturing him, not just some biological occurrence.

Also feeling more connected with my daughter today as she asked for cuddles with me at least 3 times – something she hasn’t done for quite some time. I’ve missed my cuddles with her

 

Of false alarms and high hopes Friday 11 July 2008

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Wednesday morning started at 4.30am with low down abdominal cramps which were reasonably mild but definitely there – they continued all day until about 8pm when we ate dinner, then nothing, nada. I had an appointment with my midwife in the afternoon but she didn’t want to do an internal check so I don’t know if i was experiencing early labour or practice contractions. It would have been good to know if my cervix is effaced or even dilating, but there you go, I guess I have to assume it was a practice run. Since then, nothing much has been happening – a few odd cramps but nothing to write home about. Wriggler is further down and apparently fully engaged which means needing to pee every few minutes. Today I thought I felt a trickling sensation, but again, it’s probably just wishful thinking. Last time my waters were broken during labour so I don’t quite know what to expect. Some report the full on gush, others have a slow trickle over several days… or I could just have rubbish bladder control lol!

We’re still undecided on a name for this one, despite my best efforts to get DH to agree on the name me and DD are keen on. I hope he looks like a xxx when he finally arrives otherwise things could get tricky. We have absolutely everything we need for the labour, birth and first 4-6 months 🙂 just awaiting his grand entrance now…

Other news just in: we appointed a solicitor and an estate agent earlier this week and had our very first viewing this morning. After a mad half an hour dash around the flat to shove stuff in cupboards and tidy up as much as possible, we virtually ran to the nearest cafe to leave the agent to it. Thankfully we’ve been keeping everything pretty up together so it wasn’t looking too awful. About an hour ago, we got a call to say they want a 2nd viewing on Monday afternoon!! Bloody marvellous! Just hope they don’t put in a ridiculous offer – it’s already on for quite a bit less than we really wanted. Also hoping they have a mortgage or finances in place as that seems to be the big issue currently – people wanting to buy but just can’t get the mortgage sorted… time will tell I guess.  Meantime, DH will be busy (again) finishing off the bits of DIY that need attending to. Sods law I’ll go into labour and we’ll have to put it on hold – talk about crazy timing with it all. Oh well. I really hope they like the place enough to put an offer in – it would be such a relief to have a sale under way. 

Hmmm, more tightenings in my lower tum, come on Wriggler, it’s time for us to meet you little one xxx

 

Still pregnant… Monday 7 July 2008

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38wks tomorrow. Thought things were kicking off yesterday but it turned out to be a false alarm. This morning I had some discomfort in my lower abdomen but nothing regular. I know it’s still early but I’m getting pretty fed up now. My DD arrives back home soon with MIL in tow – thankfully she’ll be gone again tomorrow (MIL that is, not DD!) so I’m kind of hoping that nothing does happen today or tonight – really don’t want her hanging around.  I’m feeling rather down – maybe it’s just hormonal, maybe it’s deeper than that – who knows? I’m trying to feel happy, and I want to meet my son so much, but all I really feel like doing is crying 😦 My poor husband doesn’t know how to cope with me – all mood swings and snappiness.

 

30wks tomorrow Monday 12 May 2008

Another milestone about to be reached. Although 8-10wks to go still sounds like a long wait. We must start practicing the Hypnobirthing techniques, particularly as the course was so brilliant this time around. I’ve organised a basic hospital bag (something I didn’t do last time), know which birthing pool to order, have got the carrycot bit for our Xplory, washed all clothes and sheets and all we have to do now is find a name for the Wriggler. We hope that seing him a bit more clearly at the 4D scan on Friday will help a little, although he usually behaves very coyly at scans.

Not sure if it’s the heat but he has barely stopped moving over the last couple of days, which is nice in some ways but also quite tiring. I nearly fainted in the kitchen yesterday – just because it’s hot and the oven was on. DH came to the rescue 🙂 Today my hands and feet feel swollen and tight and all I really want to do is lie in the cool and sleep; the chances of that happening are about as good as odds on pigs doing a fly-by passed the window!

Can’t remember when I last posted or in fact what I posted… so sorry if I repeat myself. I got signed off from my consultant last Tuesday as the pregnancy is all developing as it should. It’s only really in my head where the ‘problem’ lies. I still can’t shake off my feelings of deep guilt and sadness about the twins. There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t think about what we did and whether it was the right choice. There are now at least two ladies on Bounty who have announced triplet pregnancies (and of course, they are going ahead) and I can’t help myself but read their stories. A tiny bit of me wants to hear that things don’t work out which is pretty sick to admit, but if they are successful, it’s just another smack in my face, proving that it can be done, and relatively easily.

We got around to buying a cherry tree the other week, and the recent sunshine has seen it sprouting lots of greenery on an otherwise lifeless looking stick. Signs of spring with bittersweet undertones.

Decorating has been more off than on, but the carpenter and his dad came back today and finished hanging the doors and sorting out of the laminate floor edging (well, some of it). Also, the underfloor heating which we installed at least 3yrs ago, is finally connected to the electricity supply. On the hottest day of the year so far. There must be some irony in that. Our latest plan is to sell up asap, pay off our debts, hopefully keep a chunk of money for a deposit, then rent for 6mths-1yr locally. It doesn’t matter then if prices rise, fall or stay the same – we’ll still be in a better position than when we started out, despite not having the flat as an asset. Initially a little scary, but the more we talk it through, the more appealing it seems. Plus, we’re planning a 3wk holiday over Christmas and New Year, somewhere warm, with a kids club so we can escape the usual shenanigans, and be somewhere far away from the memories that will surely return as the anniversary of discovering the triplets approaches.

Enough for tonight, time to sleep.