Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

I’m back :) Tuesday 4 August 2009

Filed under: comments,negative,positive,reduction,triplets — timeforanother @ 5:23 pm
Tags: , , ,

For today anyway! Can’t believe it’s been so many months since I last managed a post. Very remiss, but I have got an excuse, being a busy mama to my two wonderful kids. If can barely believe that our little boy turned 1 just a couple of weeks ago, and our beautiful daughter will celebrate her 4th birthday in a couple of weeks time.

I just caught up with some comments left here.  I’m always surprised to find them – I forget that there are people who find and read this blog (despite no advertising of it anywhere as far as I’m aware).  Other than spam, I decided early on to publish all comments made, whatever their content. Some might find this a bit bizarre but for the most part, I accept that the topic of selective reduction will produce strong reactions. Most of the comments I’ve received have been very nice with the odd more unpleasant one thrown into the mix. I don’t deny anyone the right to say what they feel, but it really disappoints me that the pro-lifers are so crude and unwilling to accept that some things in life are not black and white, however we would like them to be.  For sure, the decision may have been a lot simpler if I’d had such strong views. Then again, maybe not. I remember thinking at the time how it might have been if I’d had a faith (I don’t). Now that I’ve been in contact with other women who have been through SR – most of whom are practising Christians – I’m certain that it would have only made things more woolly. Ultimately I only have myself to answer to. My husband and I are lucky to have a strong marriage and friendship and we made the decisions we made together. If I’d wanted something different, I’m not entirely certain where we’d be right now. I strongly suspect that even with the strongest of relationships, ours may not have survived having triplets. Financially I know that it would have been pretty devastating even during the pregnancy – having time off when you’re self employed means no income. I can only imagine what might have been. And so, because it really doesn’t matter about all the infinite ‘what if’s’ now (what’s done is done), I choose to think positively about it all. We have an adorable little boy with a gorgeous and proud big sister. The twins I’m sure would have been equally adorable and gorgeous, and I like to think of them with a smile instead of a cry. We talk about them still – they are part of our lives and our family – just because they are no longer here with us in person, doesn’t mean they aren’t still the siblings to our surviving kids, or our children. They were more than just foetuses to us, I felt them moving and saw them on the scans. I feel I owe it to them to remember them and honour them, for they did exist, if only for a short time.  And no amount of sanctimonious commentary will ever make me feel any differently.

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Long time no write Wednesday 8 October 2008

Filed under: 2nd child,selling house,triplets — timeforanother @ 12:07 am

Funnily enough I’ve been pretty busy and have neglected to update this blog. Apologies for those who have been reading regularly. So, this will be a quick visit – I need to feed my little one and sleep.  We’ve so very nearly sold the flat, the buyers played fast and hard with our stress levels, but we’re hoping to exchange and complete by the end of the month when we move to a beautiful rented house, with a sweet little garden.

Our little boy continues to bring complete joy to us. He pretty much sleeps through already, feeding around midnight and waking again at 6am. Unfortunately he’s suffering from diarrhea (sp?) at the moment since having his first routine jabs. We’re waiting for results to come back to see if there is anything causing it. Thankfully he’s not dehydrated and seems very content aside from this unpleasantness.

I had my final counselling session a couple of weeks ago and feel pleased on one hand but sad on the other. Everything is still very fresh and raw and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t remember the twins. I talk often with their brother about them and what it means that we still have him. I know he’s too little to understand properly but there are times when he stares deep into my eyes and I really feel we have such a connection, and that he somehow gets what I’m on about. Possibly wishful thinking, but hey, what’s wrong with that?

Ok, I promise to get on here again in the next day or so to talk more. But for now, my little boy needs his milk.

 

Countdown commences Monday 30 June 2008

37 weeks tomorrow which means we can have our homebirth from then (all being well). The pool arrived today so a quick dash to the local DIY shop to find a suitable tap connector and we can have a test drive later on. Wriggler has definitely dropped down which makes breathing easier but walking harder – plus trips to the loo every few minutes as the pressure on my poor old bladder is constant 🙂

The antibiotics seem to be kicking in now but I’m still coughing and blowing gunk from my nose – yuk. It doesn’t really help with my breathing practice as I’m wheezing so doing the long slow breath in and out (used for contractions) is proving a bit tricky. Oh well.  The TENS machine arrived on Saturday too so we’re pretty much good to go. I’ve packed two bags in case of a hospital transfer – one for me and one for Wriggler and added in the energy bars. Our cupboards are now replete with chocolate biscuits and toast making ingredients to keep the midwife happy!

DH spent the weekend cleaning, tidying and doing DIY so the flat is looking good – we should be instructing our chosen estate agent today so it’s all go on all fronts. MIL will be coming down on Weds with the crib, baby car seat and baby bath that she’s had in her attic for us – just hope things don’t kick off whilst she’s here. Despite us telling her we didn’t want anyone around last time, she decided to turn up anyway which made us both pretty cross. I’m determined for it to be me and DH only this time, with our DD being the next person to meet Wriggler. Everyone else can just wait until we’re ready.

I’ll be seeing my midwife tomorrow so we’ll go through the birth plan and arrangements for a homebirth, then a counselling appt on Weds. As D-Day draws nearer, I can’t help but be reminded again of the twins we reduced and wonder what if…  I love them every bit as much as I love my DD and Wriggler, even though I never got a chance to meet them properly. They are still very much a part of me and will never be forgotten. I’m just so sad that we had to make the decision we did. I hope I can find some time to grieve properly for my two little babies, and that wherever they are, that they understand why we did what we did.  I’m not religious or even really that into ‘life after death’ type of thing but I hope they are kind of around and looking over us all. I know that physically they are literally a part of me having been partially absorbed and whilst that sounds a bit gruesome, it actually brings some small comfort. Emotionally the whole experience has impacted me greatly – a totally unexpected twist in our lives that has had to be incorporated somehow, and physically it’s the same I suppose (although on much less of a scale). But, life goes on and their brother is making his way into the world which brings happiness tinged with sadness. 

 

30wks tomorrow Monday 12 May 2008

Another milestone about to be reached. Although 8-10wks to go still sounds like a long wait. We must start practicing the Hypnobirthing techniques, particularly as the course was so brilliant this time around. I’ve organised a basic hospital bag (something I didn’t do last time), know which birthing pool to order, have got the carrycot bit for our Xplory, washed all clothes and sheets and all we have to do now is find a name for the Wriggler. We hope that seing him a bit more clearly at the 4D scan on Friday will help a little, although he usually behaves very coyly at scans.

Not sure if it’s the heat but he has barely stopped moving over the last couple of days, which is nice in some ways but also quite tiring. I nearly fainted in the kitchen yesterday – just because it’s hot and the oven was on. DH came to the rescue 🙂 Today my hands and feet feel swollen and tight and all I really want to do is lie in the cool and sleep; the chances of that happening are about as good as odds on pigs doing a fly-by passed the window!

Can’t remember when I last posted or in fact what I posted… so sorry if I repeat myself. I got signed off from my consultant last Tuesday as the pregnancy is all developing as it should. It’s only really in my head where the ‘problem’ lies. I still can’t shake off my feelings of deep guilt and sadness about the twins. There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t think about what we did and whether it was the right choice. There are now at least two ladies on Bounty who have announced triplet pregnancies (and of course, they are going ahead) and I can’t help myself but read their stories. A tiny bit of me wants to hear that things don’t work out which is pretty sick to admit, but if they are successful, it’s just another smack in my face, proving that it can be done, and relatively easily.

We got around to buying a cherry tree the other week, and the recent sunshine has seen it sprouting lots of greenery on an otherwise lifeless looking stick. Signs of spring with bittersweet undertones.

Decorating has been more off than on, but the carpenter and his dad came back today and finished hanging the doors and sorting out of the laminate floor edging (well, some of it). Also, the underfloor heating which we installed at least 3yrs ago, is finally connected to the electricity supply. On the hottest day of the year so far. There must be some irony in that. Our latest plan is to sell up asap, pay off our debts, hopefully keep a chunk of money for a deposit, then rent for 6mths-1yr locally. It doesn’t matter then if prices rise, fall or stay the same – we’ll still be in a better position than when we started out, despite not having the flat as an asset. Initially a little scary, but the more we talk it through, the more appealing it seems. Plus, we’re planning a 3wk holiday over Christmas and New Year, somewhere warm, with a kids club so we can escape the usual shenanigans, and be somewhere far away from the memories that will surely return as the anniversary of discovering the triplets approaches.

Enough for tonight, time to sleep.

 

Monday 14 April 2008

Filed under: facts,life sentence,multiples,potty training,reduction,scared,triplets — timeforanother @ 1:54 pm

I came across this (found here) today and it’s probably the first time I’ve actually seen some statistics written anywhere other than in medical papers.

Risks of multiple pregnancies is high

Multiple pregnancies are a greater risk to the mother and the babies. The risk is greater for twins than single babies but rises dramatically with three babies or more. Without selective reduction 13 per cent of multiple pregnancies end with no live babies, and more than 15 per cent end with premature babies.

And this (from here)

CONCLUSION: In trichorionic triplet pregnancies, embryo reduction to twins does not improve the chance of survival but may reduce the rate of handicap. Reduction from triplets to singletons may reduce both the survival rate and the handicap rate among survivors.

I still can’t help but feel we weren’t given enough information about the management of an id twin pregnancy compared with a reduced singleton one. The statistics seem contradictory and confusing the more I find. I probably shouldn’t keep looking, but I really can’t help myself. I guess I’m searching for the elusive ‘that choice was the best one medically’ statistic, which would absolve me somewhat. Although in my heart of hearts, I know that any of our ‘what if…’ options would have me here thinking and researching the others, there is no real peace to be found, only acceptance and a desire to do the best with what we have. I’m usually a great believer in letting the past go, or at least not letting it affect ones future, but maybe it’s too fresh right now to move on just yet. Accepting that bad & horrible things happen sometimes, but having to also accept that it doesn’t mean we are bad & horrible, or that bad & horrible things should continue to happen, or that we should somehow punish ourselves even more for the decisions we made. They have been made and acted upon; we cannot change them. It’s easy to write, say, even think, but much more difficult to believe. I hope to get there someday, but I’m also aware that maybe I never will, and I will just need to live with that.

Back to the here & now – must sign off and change my dd’s nappy. Roll on potty training!

 

The pregnancy which just keeps giving Friday 29 February 2008

Filed under: bump,counselling,noro virus,scared,triplets,worries — timeforanother @ 2:50 pm

It really does seem like one thing after another this time. Tuesday night brought with it a nasty stomach ache (not bump related) followed by some unpleasantness of the toilet variety (sorry TMI) and the stomach ache has continued day and night up to and including today. It’s actually woken me up at night it hurts so much. I’ve tried Gaviscon in case it’s indigestion (although it feels too low down for that, and constant) but no joy with it. Also have a vice-like headache which laughs in the face of the puny paracetamol.

Managed to get a cancellation appt with the GP today and he was very nice but said basically there are a lot of tummy bugs going around at the moment and it appears to be a milder version of the Noro virus which went around at Christmas. Lovely. Can’t give me anything to help relieve the symptoms because of being pregnant other than Gaviscon and paracetamol!!

Oh well. In other pg news, we had our first joint counselling session yesterday and it was good. I always think I don’t have anything much to say at the beginning but somehow the flood gates open and before we know it, the session is ending. It was really good for me to listen to my husband and his feelings/thought about the reduction. I’m so caught up in my head that it’s difficult to remember there are other ways of looking at it and dealing with it. It’s confirmed my feeling that we both have very different takes on it, not surprisingly. I felt connected instantly with the triplets where as he didn’t, well at least not in the same way. He feels he has moved on and is looking forward to meeting the wriggler and is more excited about the pregnancy than I am. For me, things remain much the same, I’m full of grief, remorse, guilt, hatred towards myself, unconnected with the bump and our growing son, all at sea, about to go under at any moment. I had hoped that after the reduction the feeling of being caught between a rock face and quick sand, whilst standing in a fast flowing river heading towards a deathly waterfall would disappear, but it appears I’m still stuck there. I want to move on, but can’t seem to. I go through the motions of pregnancy excitement but don’t truly feel it. I love the little nappies, and the tiny clothes but I love those cute things regardless. I can’t imagine our baby wearing them, or how I’ll feel when he is wearing them. I’m scared of how I’m going to feel, or perhaps more honestly, what will happen if I don’t feel anything. I’m scared of having post natal depression again, I’m scared that our decision at 12 wks will affect this baby for all it’s life. Yet, shit happens in life and we have to find a way of getting on and not looking back too often. We can’t change the decision we made, nor would we choose to if offered it again I don’t think. But it’s become part of us all and I do feel different. I feel like a terrible mum, undeserving of my kids love. I miss my twins, my triplets. I am a mother of four, yet I will only truly know two of them. I do know that I love them all and will never forget the ones who are not with us anymore.

 

Down down down Tuesday 12 February 2008

OMG even writing that has made me cry (it has trhee down’s, one for each triplet). I finished reading Jackie Clune’s book ‘Extreme Motherhood’ today – it’s about how she dealt with having triplets with an 18mth old daughter. I ordered it when we first found out about our triplets as it came highly recommended. I avoided it for a while during the reduction period then came back to it. It’s generally a fun book and had me laughing in many places, it also made me think we couldn’t have done it. But the end has made me weep big fat sobbing tears for what we’ve lost. We didn’t even try. And I feel awful. I haven’t felt like this since the days before the reduction. I’ve failed my twins, the triplets and my four children. How can this get easier? When I signed the consent form, they should have told me I was signing a life sentence of grief and guilt.