Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

Stop the world, I want to get off Sunday 6 January 2008

If only. This has got to be the longest 7 days in the history of man and each day has brought more extreme emotions than the last. I found a great resource in the shape of an online forum called mumsnet – their ‘multiples’ area has brought a wealth of support from twin and triplet mums, and not all doing the ‘congratulations, it’ll be hard but you can do it’ type of support. One pointed me at a blog by a French lady living in America who after IVF was expecting quads, who went on to have a ‘reduction’ (another word for fetocide, or basically eliminating one or more of a multiple pg by means of a potassium chloride injection into the fetus’ heart via your abdomen). This is something which we want to discuss with the consultant – I have no idea if it’s something that will be offered in the UK, or if it only gets offered if there are abnormalities with any of the three.

I can’t tell you how much I hate having to read about this stuff, let alone think about it happening to me, them and us. Many women get through such things by not allowing themselves to think of the babies inside them as babies but I’ve found that impossible. I was so happy to be pregnant and I can’t switch that off now that I know I’m pregnant with three. They are all my babies and I love them all unconditionally already, yet I know we can’t have three – maybe in a perfect world we could, but right now it’s doesn’t seem like an option. And it’s not just down to me, dh really doesn’t think we can do it and is worried (rightly) about the strain it would put on us as a couple, let alone the finances, having to move out of our local area and be miles away from friends and family. So all I can do right now is love them knowing they will only be with me for a short time. I’m determined to ask for a scan picture of them all in one shot – it may be morbid to some, but I don’t want any one of them to be forgotten. And anyway, reduction comes with it’s own risks – it may cause the remaining ones to miscarry so we could end up with no babies at all.

As if these things weren’t enough to overwhelm us, I also started losing ‘old blood’ (it’s brown) which is probably nothing to worry about, but this morning there was quite a lot and accompanied by strong aches/pains in my abdomen. There’s no point in calling anyone, we’re seeing the consultant tomorrow and anyway, I suspect it’s just one of those things. Still, I could really do without it. It’s just another worry on top of the mountain we already have.

Sorry this is a depressing post, but I need to get things down, and whilst my mum and husband are listening, I don’t think they can truly understand how it is for me – the one who is carrying them, who will be the one to have needles poked into her tummy, to feel the effects of hormones racing around her, to deal with the joy of being pregnant to the hell of having to decide how to proceed with the pregnancy. I keep hoping that someone will just tell me what to do, or that the scan will show abnormalities which will make decisions slightly more justified but it’s not going to happen is it? It’s really down to us and that kills me.

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The symptomless pregnancy… so far Tuesday 27 November 2007

6wks today which means the teeny-tiny one is one month already, measuring about 2-4mm. Weirdly, no symptoms as such although this Monday, as last Monday I had queasiness on and off all day. Still quite stroppy which I’m finding endlessy frustrating, I want to feel joyous and happy not snarly and grouchy, but I guess I’m at mercy to the hormones.

Red wine has started to smell horrible to me, which is good in some ways, but not so good when darling husband still drinks it and I can smell it on his breath later on. I’d forgotten how super-sensitive one’s sense of smell gets! Not off any foods yet, in fact same as last time, strong flavours are going down a treat still.

We told a few friends at the weekend and they were really sweet and happy for us. It feels great to know that we have someone to confide in, but it has meant I’m even more desperate to tell others. I can’t win! But, I’m managing (just about) to keep quiet – even the party managed to pass off without much comment. People seemed to accept that I had some kind of water infection and sensibly declined to ask any more questions ha ha!

Work is gearing up to get very busy in the coming week, and my MIL is coming to stay from Sunday – Friday (oh my…), I forsee much daytime babysitting duties as I cram in as much work at the office as possible. Still, that works out good for both of us – she gets time with beloved granddaughter, I get time out and work done. Everyone’s a winner!