Nearly 3wks have passed since the reduction and it feels like months. Not that we’re used to it or have forgotten, but time is behaving very strangely to us. I’m 15wks pregnant today (although I look about 25wks!) and so much has happened that it feels like I should be further on. I have good days and bad days, good minutes and bad minutes. I still feel incredibly sad and guilty about our twins. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t seem to reconcile my rational ‘head’ thoughts with my emotional ‘heart’ thoughts and I think it comes down to this:
Trying to imagine our 3 tiny babies, alive, dead, ill, in incubators with tubes, and/or disabled is beyond my comprehension; it isn’t where we were, and although they were real enough places to end up, it still felt ‘out there’ and not solid. Where we were, the more real place, was very much pregnant, hormonal (x3) and with 3 healthy 12wk old babies who could wave their arms and legs, and had definite profiles. They weren’t just a bunch of cells; we couldn’t ‘un-know’ them once we we’d had that first scan. Noone plans to have a twin or triplet birth, it’s just one of those things and despite only plannng for one more child, the fact that we had 3 more in one go was a reality to deal with. I loved them straightaway – how can a mother not? And I still love them. I know our decision was made with as much information as was available and all the reasons why it was the least worse ‘choice’ but I still find it hard to accept that we had to make the choice at all. It doesn’t get any easier and I really can’t imagine myself ever really resolving the two conflicting feelings.
I have felt a tiny flutter or two in the last few days but nothing much, and nowhere near as much as I was feeling with all 3 there. It’s been such a slap in the face – a really obvious sign of the twins not being there anymore. I really can’t wait until our wriggler can be felt moving often, it’ll make it feel more real, and hopefully reassure me that all is going well.
I’ve missed not being scanned this week, but there haven’t been any good reasons to go in early (next one is on Monday morning) and I know that I have to get used to having a ‘normal’ pregnancy sooner or later. I’m still getting the odd bit of brown gunk but nothing too much and I still get mild cramps and pulls particularly if I’ve been walking or doing the housework. Sounds like a good excuse to take it easy, but it’s driving me spare not getting to clean the floors and walking really slowly. Today I did the floors anyway so I guess I’ll pay tomorrow. I can’t keep living in a bubble of being scared of hurting this baby, as long as I don’t start swinging from chandeliers and attending hardcore aerobics classes I should be ok!
Our friends continue to amaze me with their support. As usual we thought we’d only tell a select few close friends, but it’s been easier to tell the full story to our friends. There is only one person who I’m loathe to hear the full version – she’s Catholic and I’m sure would have strong views on the reduction. Whilst I understand everyone is perfectly allowed to have their opinion, I’m not in a place yet where I can deal with feeling judged. I’m doing plenty of that myself thank you. So they will get the ‘lost the twins’ version which isn’t so far from reality. If they pry further, I shall simply say I’m not up for discussing it thanks. That’s the plan anyway.
My bump is really showing – mostly to do with having lax muscles I’m sure, but it does make me feel a bit more pregnant and we got some new tops for me over the weekend which emphasise it nicely. Funnily enough I’m still under my pre-preg weight, although it’s gradually creeping up again. Damn those double choc cookies.
On a lighter note, the Bounty girls had a fun thread the other day about gender prediction. There is a lady on Ebay who was ‘selling’ a prediction for £1.10, which went to charity. Well, it seemed like a good idea, and for charity, so why not?! You needed to email her your EDD and your own date of birth. Within minutes my reply came through – she says it’s a GIRL!! Well, obviously we have no idea just yet although my instincts tell me we’re bound to have another daughter (I come from a family with lots of females). Maybe I’ll be able to find out at the scan on Monday, otherwise we’ll hopefully find out at the 21wk scan (a very long way off at 14th March). We really don’t mind either way, it’s been such a bumpy journey so far, we’ll just be thrilled that we got to the end and have another baby to love.