I had my first session with the local GPs counsellor yesterday and it was great, she was great. I really feel we connected and she ‘got’ where my head was. Basically, trying to deal with grief and loss of my twins and also trying to feel the joy of pregnancy – both conflicting emotions which pull me in two completely different directions at the same time. Quite a feat and pretty painful. She feels (not unlike me) that the birth itself will potentially be quite traumatic emotionally as it will be the final physical letting go of the twins, alongside the excitement as we meet our little boy for the first time. Once again, I’m amazed by how much just having someone say back to me what I already feel/know feels such a relief. I sometimes am so wrapped up in life – which continues ‘normally’ with the fun, stress and non-stopness of being a mum to a toddler – that there is no real time to go through the grieving process, or really even the excitement of being pregnant again. I don’t want to keep ‘going on’ to my family and friends; in my head, they’ve heard enough and more than once I’ve been told (although nicely) to move on and look forward. It sounds so easy but is incredibly hard, if not impossible to do.
I’m glad to say, I’m booked in for two more appts which are scheduled before the due date and she wants to see me after the birth too. Apparently there are a lot of factors which make me high risk for another bout of post natal depression. Being aware of it makes me less afraid, and I know how much help there is out there. I just hope that my husband, family and friends will do the right thing if I can’t diagnose myself – they are all prepped in advance, as are my GP, midwife, and now counsellor.
So, counselling – absolutely amazing. I’m very lucky to be offered it and I look forward to my next session.