Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

Counselling Part II Thursday 12 June 2008

Filed under: counselling — timeforanother @ 12:02 pm
Tags: ,

I had my first session with the local GPs counsellor yesterday and it was great, she was great. I really feel we connected and she ‘got’ where my head was. Basically, trying to deal with grief and loss of my twins and also trying to feel the joy of pregnancy – both conflicting emotions which pull me in two completely different directions at the same time. Quite a feat and pretty painful. She feels (not unlike me) that the birth itself will potentially be quite traumatic emotionally as it will be the final physical letting go of the twins, alongside the excitement as we meet our little boy for the first time. Once again, I’m amazed by how much just having someone say back to me what I already feel/know feels such a relief. I sometimes am so wrapped up in life – which continues ‘normally’ with the fun, stress and non-stopness of being a mum to a toddler – that there is no real time to go through the grieving process, or really even the excitement of being pregnant again. I don’t want to keep ‘going on’ to my family and friends; in my head, they’ve heard enough and more than once I’ve been told (although nicely) to move on and look forward. It sounds so easy but is incredibly hard, if not impossible to do. 

I’m glad to say, I’m booked in for two more appts which are scheduled before the due date and she wants to see me after the birth too. Apparently there are a lot of factors which make me high risk for another bout of post natal depression. Being aware of it makes me less afraid, and I know how much help there is out there. I just hope that my husband, family and friends will do the right thing if I can’t diagnose myself – they are all prepped in advance, as are my GP, midwife, and now counsellor.

So, counselling – absolutely amazing. I’m very lucky to be offered it and I look forward to my next session.

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The homestretch Monday 9 June 2008

It could be any day although the reality is more likely 4-8wks. We are ok for a home waterbirth from 37 wks (I’ll be 34 wks tomorrow) so I hope he hangs on until then. We have a small amount of decorating to finish before we finally get the flat on the market – I’m determined to have it for sale before we have this little fellow, because once he arrives, life will be manic and we’ll never get around to it.

Healthwise, I’m ok – we had a small scare a couple of weeks ago when I had a terrible headache and felt nauseous all day so we ended up paying a trip to the labour ward for monitoring. Thankfully pre-eclampsia was ruled out and we think it was probably just a migraine or virus. I’m now having fortnightly midwife appointments and last time we discussed what might be done with the placenta – I’ve been thinking more and more about this as the time comes to give birth. Initially I thought keeping the placenta was a bit gross, but the more time goes on, I think it would be nice to bury it with the twins’ cherry tree. It won’t be *just* the placenta but the twins will be part of it, along with their placenta – it’s some sort of closure for me to bury them together and have a resting place for them. Even though it’s still a bit freaky to think too hard about.  I’ve also had a call from the GPs counsellor who can fit me in for at least one session before my due date. I had wondered if I needed it, but now that it’s been offered, I feel it’s a good thing to go along. I’m definitely not over my grief and guilt of the reduction and in fact as I near the due date, the more it’s on my mind and I’ve had a few weepy moments. Interestingly over the weekend I ended up talking at length to a friend who initially I had thought would have reason to judge (she’s Catholic). However she was a great listener and seemed to understand that we’d been through hell and back and had considered every option possible before coming to the dreadful decision that we did. She told me of a quote from Richard E Grant about grief which goes something like this: ‘You never get over grief, but you do learn to walk around it’. That makes a lot of sense. 

And so as we reach those last few weeks, I’ve got my TENS machine ordered, hospital bag packed for me, baby’s one is prepared and needs putting in a bag (just in case of course!), vague plan of what to do with dd when things kick off, website bookmarked for the birth pool. Birth plan needs to be written up ready, a firmer plan for dd needs to be settled. The decorating needs to be finished and the flat on the market. But we’ll get there!

Other news: DD has potty trained successfully day and night – she’s taken to it like a duck to water, clearly it was the right thing to do to wait until she was ready. We attended our friends’ wedding over the weekend and it was great – beautiful weather, great service, lovely reception. I felt glamourous next to my handsome husband and dd looked so cute it was unbelievable!

 

The pregnancy which just keeps giving Friday 29 February 2008

Filed under: bump,counselling,noro virus,scared,triplets,worries — timeforanother @ 2:50 pm

It really does seem like one thing after another this time. Tuesday night brought with it a nasty stomach ache (not bump related) followed by some unpleasantness of the toilet variety (sorry TMI) and the stomach ache has continued day and night up to and including today. It’s actually woken me up at night it hurts so much. I’ve tried Gaviscon in case it’s indigestion (although it feels too low down for that, and constant) but no joy with it. Also have a vice-like headache which laughs in the face of the puny paracetamol.

Managed to get a cancellation appt with the GP today and he was very nice but said basically there are a lot of tummy bugs going around at the moment and it appears to be a milder version of the Noro virus which went around at Christmas. Lovely. Can’t give me anything to help relieve the symptoms because of being pregnant other than Gaviscon and paracetamol!!

Oh well. In other pg news, we had our first joint counselling session yesterday and it was good. I always think I don’t have anything much to say at the beginning but somehow the flood gates open and before we know it, the session is ending. It was really good for me to listen to my husband and his feelings/thought about the reduction. I’m so caught up in my head that it’s difficult to remember there are other ways of looking at it and dealing with it. It’s confirmed my feeling that we both have very different takes on it, not surprisingly. I felt connected instantly with the triplets where as he didn’t, well at least not in the same way. He feels he has moved on and is looking forward to meeting the wriggler and is more excited about the pregnancy than I am. For me, things remain much the same, I’m full of grief, remorse, guilt, hatred towards myself, unconnected with the bump and our growing son, all at sea, about to go under at any moment. I had hoped that after the reduction the feeling of being caught between a rock face and quick sand, whilst standing in a fast flowing river heading towards a deathly waterfall would disappear, but it appears I’m still stuck there. I want to move on, but can’t seem to. I go through the motions of pregnancy excitement but don’t truly feel it. I love the little nappies, and the tiny clothes but I love those cute things regardless. I can’t imagine our baby wearing them, or how I’ll feel when he is wearing them. I’m scared of how I’m going to feel, or perhaps more honestly, what will happen if I don’t feel anything. I’m scared of having post natal depression again, I’m scared that our decision at 12 wks will affect this baby for all it’s life. Yet, shit happens in life and we have to find a way of getting on and not looking back too often. We can’t change the decision we made, nor would we choose to if offered it again I don’t think. But it’s become part of us all and I do feel different. I feel like a terrible mum, undeserving of my kids love. I miss my twins, my triplets. I am a mother of four, yet I will only truly know two of them. I do know that I love them all and will never forget the ones who are not with us anymore.

 

Valentines Friday 15 February 2008

Filed under: bleeding,counselling,house hunting — timeforanother @ 10:05 am

My lovely wonderful husband spoiled me rotten yesterday – jewellery, flowers and a meal cooked for me. Plus a card with the most beautiful words in. My surprise didn’t quite work to plan (it involved hair removal cream – ouch) but brought a smile to our faces 🙂

I also had my first counselling session with the maternity and neonatal counsellor. We hope that we can both go next time, but this one was arranged very last minute due to a cancellation. As suspected, I sobbed through the whole session as I explained what had happened, and my feelings about it all. I get the impression that she hasn’t dealt with anyone who’s been through a selective reduction before, but she was very sympathetic and asked good questions at the right moments. I hope it works out. Currently I’m not really sure how it will help but there don’t seem to be any good reasons *not* to try.

We have another nice weekend planned, with friends coming around tomorrow with their 2yr old daughter, then two house viewings on Sunday. We’re particularly excited about the house viewings – they’re in a different area, about 50mins drive from our current location but boy will our money go much further! For the price of a 2 bed flat here, we can get a detatched 4 bed house with garage and garden!! Unbelievable – I can’t wait to have all that space, and a garden for the kids to play in, and for me to grow fruit and vegetables. And a real spare room/office. And hopefully more families nearby. Where we live currently is all flats and we barely know any of our neighbours by sight, let alone by name.

And dare I mention it without jinxing it… ssssssh, I’ve had no more bleeding for about 5 days now… still get cramping and a few stabby pains but the bleeding has definitely cleared up. At long last 🙂