I’m still totally in love with our little boy and enjoying motherhood much more the 2nd time around. I’m guessing there is still a load of relaxin surging around my body because doing any walking, particularly with the pram, gives me terrible aches and pains in my back, knees, feet. However, today I took the last of my antibiotics and anti-infection tablets and fingers crossed, I’m back to relative normality!
I’ve had a quick look back at some of my earlier entries this evening. Such an odd feeling – it’s like it was yesterday, not over 6mths ago, yet it also feels slightly surreal and far away. It has brought back some of the rawness and has made me cry. I know I’m moving on because I’m able to cry not only for the loss of the triplets by the twins’ reduction, but also cry for me. Now I’m out on the other side (a place I really couldn’t imagine) I find it’s getting easier to recognise what a terrible thing we have been through. I am eternally grateful that counselling exists – my current counsellor is amazing and has really helped me work through some very difficult experiences (which are not just about the reduction & pregnancy). I don’t think I’ll every truly ‘get over’ it all but I am learning how to manage things in a different way. Accepting that what we did makes us who and what we are is important – the twins will never ever be forgotten or any less part of our family; I grieve for them everyday, but I look at my gorgeous son and deep down wonder if he would be here if we hadn’t gone through with the reduction. He’s so small and vulnerable and needy and I love him with all my heart, I need to be strong for him. Yet I know that I will talk to him about his siblings one day and I will show him the scan pictures. I hope he will understand and forgive us. Slowly slowly, I am learning how to understand and forgive myself.
And now, my little one needs feeding. It’s weird how I just let my body do it’s thing whilst pregnant – it did the nurturing; now he’s here, it feels much more like I am in control of looking after his needs, and it’s me who is nurturing him, not just some biological occurrence.
Also feeling more connected with my daughter today as she asked for cuddles with me at least 3 times – something she hasn’t done for quite some time. I’ve missed my cuddles with her