Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

Countdown commences Monday 30 June 2008

37 weeks tomorrow which means we can have our homebirth from then (all being well). The pool arrived today so a quick dash to the local DIY shop to find a suitable tap connector and we can have a test drive later on. Wriggler has definitely dropped down which makes breathing easier but walking harder – plus trips to the loo every few minutes as the pressure on my poor old bladder is constant 🙂

The antibiotics seem to be kicking in now but I’m still coughing and blowing gunk from my nose – yuk. It doesn’t really help with my breathing practice as I’m wheezing so doing the long slow breath in and out (used for contractions) is proving a bit tricky. Oh well.  The TENS machine arrived on Saturday too so we’re pretty much good to go. I’ve packed two bags in case of a hospital transfer – one for me and one for Wriggler and added in the energy bars. Our cupboards are now replete with chocolate biscuits and toast making ingredients to keep the midwife happy!

DH spent the weekend cleaning, tidying and doing DIY so the flat is looking good – we should be instructing our chosen estate agent today so it’s all go on all fronts. MIL will be coming down on Weds with the crib, baby car seat and baby bath that she’s had in her attic for us – just hope things don’t kick off whilst she’s here. Despite us telling her we didn’t want anyone around last time, she decided to turn up anyway which made us both pretty cross. I’m determined for it to be me and DH only this time, with our DD being the next person to meet Wriggler. Everyone else can just wait until we’re ready.

I’ll be seeing my midwife tomorrow so we’ll go through the birth plan and arrangements for a homebirth, then a counselling appt on Weds. As D-Day draws nearer, I can’t help but be reminded again of the twins we reduced and wonder what if…  I love them every bit as much as I love my DD and Wriggler, even though I never got a chance to meet them properly. They are still very much a part of me and will never be forgotten. I’m just so sad that we had to make the decision we did. I hope I can find some time to grieve properly for my two little babies, and that wherever they are, that they understand why we did what we did.  I’m not religious or even really that into ‘life after death’ type of thing but I hope they are kind of around and looking over us all. I know that physically they are literally a part of me having been partially absorbed and whilst that sounds a bit gruesome, it actually brings some small comfort. Emotionally the whole experience has impacted me greatly – a totally unexpected twist in our lives that has had to be incorporated somehow, and physically it’s the same I suppose (although on much less of a scale). But, life goes on and their brother is making his way into the world which brings happiness tinged with sadness. 

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Bumpity Bump Friday 20 June 2008

Filed under: bump,hypnobirthing — timeforanother @ 3:02 pm
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An edited version of one of the lovely bump photos

Me and the bump at 34 weeks pregnant

We’re off this weekend for our mini-holiday and we’re all very much looking forward to it. The first thing I packed was the remainder of my hospital bag – now it has the tiniest babygros and vests included, along with a few essentials for Wriggler and me JUST IN CASE! Also have maternity notes and Hypnobirthing handouts to take too. One more estate agent to deal with today then I can get packing the regular stuff that we need to take. 

MIL thinks that we shouldn’t go to the Eden Project as I will be too hot and waddling around – honestly, we can’t win sometimes! If I get too hot, I’ll leave or go and sit in a cafe, it’s really not a big deal. I’ll take plenty of water with me and won’t push myself to get around if it’s too much. The weather forecast doesn’t look great, but I hope we can get to see a few rock pools and the beach, even if it’s only for a short time. Just getting away will be a good thing.

Ok, over and out for the moment. Let’s hope Wriggler stays put for another couple of weeks 🙂

 

35wks tomorrow Monday 16 June 2008

Filed under: bump — timeforanother @ 12:51 pm
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Finally feels like we’re getting there which is alternately great and bloody scary. We’re kind of ready – 2 valuations arranged for thursday and the gas smell finally sorted (leaking gas meter) so we may be good to go with getting the flat on the market before Wriggler arrives. 

We’re off to my parents at the weekend then for a mini-break to Cornwall which we’re all looking forward to. Rather a long time to sit in the car, but hopefully it’ll be worth it. DD can’t wait already. I shall be taking my notes and hospital bags just in case. I’m not taking any chances this time. Last night I had some discomfort in my lower abdomen, bottom of the bump which were either Braxton Hicks or I’ve pulled a muscle but it did make me sit up and think, ok, it really could be any day now.  At least we have been doing some Hypnobirthing practice – whether it’s enough is another story!

Over the weekend a good friend came over with all his photography gear and spent most of Saturday taking pictures of me, DH and DD – mostly of me and the bump (which looks impressively large at 45″ around). Apparently he is a complete whizz with Photoshop, but amazingly the raw shots had some absolute gems – I actually look good 🙂 Can’t wait to see them magicked up!

 

Counselling Part II Thursday 12 June 2008

Filed under: counselling — timeforanother @ 12:02 pm
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I had my first session with the local GPs counsellor yesterday and it was great, she was great. I really feel we connected and she ‘got’ where my head was. Basically, trying to deal with grief and loss of my twins and also trying to feel the joy of pregnancy – both conflicting emotions which pull me in two completely different directions at the same time. Quite a feat and pretty painful. She feels (not unlike me) that the birth itself will potentially be quite traumatic emotionally as it will be the final physical letting go of the twins, alongside the excitement as we meet our little boy for the first time. Once again, I’m amazed by how much just having someone say back to me what I already feel/know feels such a relief. I sometimes am so wrapped up in life – which continues ‘normally’ with the fun, stress and non-stopness of being a mum to a toddler – that there is no real time to go through the grieving process, or really even the excitement of being pregnant again. I don’t want to keep ‘going on’ to my family and friends; in my head, they’ve heard enough and more than once I’ve been told (although nicely) to move on and look forward. It sounds so easy but is incredibly hard, if not impossible to do. 

I’m glad to say, I’m booked in for two more appts which are scheduled before the due date and she wants to see me after the birth too. Apparently there are a lot of factors which make me high risk for another bout of post natal depression. Being aware of it makes me less afraid, and I know how much help there is out there. I just hope that my husband, family and friends will do the right thing if I can’t diagnose myself – they are all prepped in advance, as are my GP, midwife, and now counsellor.

So, counselling – absolutely amazing. I’m very lucky to be offered it and I look forward to my next session.

 

The homestretch Monday 9 June 2008

It could be any day although the reality is more likely 4-8wks. We are ok for a home waterbirth from 37 wks (I’ll be 34 wks tomorrow) so I hope he hangs on until then. We have a small amount of decorating to finish before we finally get the flat on the market – I’m determined to have it for sale before we have this little fellow, because once he arrives, life will be manic and we’ll never get around to it.

Healthwise, I’m ok – we had a small scare a couple of weeks ago when I had a terrible headache and felt nauseous all day so we ended up paying a trip to the labour ward for monitoring. Thankfully pre-eclampsia was ruled out and we think it was probably just a migraine or virus. I’m now having fortnightly midwife appointments and last time we discussed what might be done with the placenta – I’ve been thinking more and more about this as the time comes to give birth. Initially I thought keeping the placenta was a bit gross, but the more time goes on, I think it would be nice to bury it with the twins’ cherry tree. It won’t be *just* the placenta but the twins will be part of it, along with their placenta – it’s some sort of closure for me to bury them together and have a resting place for them. Even though it’s still a bit freaky to think too hard about.  I’ve also had a call from the GPs counsellor who can fit me in for at least one session before my due date. I had wondered if I needed it, but now that it’s been offered, I feel it’s a good thing to go along. I’m definitely not over my grief and guilt of the reduction and in fact as I near the due date, the more it’s on my mind and I’ve had a few weepy moments. Interestingly over the weekend I ended up talking at length to a friend who initially I had thought would have reason to judge (she’s Catholic). However she was a great listener and seemed to understand that we’d been through hell and back and had considered every option possible before coming to the dreadful decision that we did. She told me of a quote from Richard E Grant about grief which goes something like this: ‘You never get over grief, but you do learn to walk around it’. That makes a lot of sense. 

And so as we reach those last few weeks, I’ve got my TENS machine ordered, hospital bag packed for me, baby’s one is prepared and needs putting in a bag (just in case of course!), vague plan of what to do with dd when things kick off, website bookmarked for the birth pool. Birth plan needs to be written up ready, a firmer plan for dd needs to be settled. The decorating needs to be finished and the flat on the market. But we’ll get there!

Other news: DD has potty trained successfully day and night – she’s taken to it like a duck to water, clearly it was the right thing to do to wait until she was ready. We attended our friends’ wedding over the weekend and it was great – beautiful weather, great service, lovely reception. I felt glamourous next to my handsome husband and dd looked so cute it was unbelievable!