Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

The pregnancy which just keeps giving Friday 29 February 2008

Filed under: bump,counselling,noro virus,scared,triplets,worries — timeforanother @ 2:50 pm

It really does seem like one thing after another this time. Tuesday night brought with it a nasty stomach ache (not bump related) followed by some unpleasantness of the toilet variety (sorry TMI) and the stomach ache has continued day and night up to and including today. It’s actually woken me up at night it hurts so much. I’ve tried Gaviscon in case it’s indigestion (although it feels too low down for that, and constant) but no joy with it. Also have a vice-like headache which laughs in the face of the puny paracetamol.

Managed to get a cancellation appt with the GP today and he was very nice but said basically there are a lot of tummy bugs going around at the moment and it appears to be a milder version of the Noro virus which went around at Christmas. Lovely. Can’t give me anything to help relieve the symptoms because of being pregnant other than Gaviscon and paracetamol!!

Oh well. In other pg news, we had our first joint counselling session yesterday and it was good. I always think I don’t have anything much to say at the beginning but somehow the flood gates open and before we know it, the session is ending. It was really good for me to listen to my husband and his feelings/thought about the reduction. I’m so caught up in my head that it’s difficult to remember there are other ways of looking at it and dealing with it. It’s confirmed my feeling that we both have very different takes on it, not surprisingly. I felt connected instantly with the triplets where as he didn’t, well at least not in the same way. He feels he has moved on and is looking forward to meeting the wriggler and is more excited about the pregnancy than I am. For me, things remain much the same, I’m full of grief, remorse, guilt, hatred towards myself, unconnected with the bump and our growing son, all at sea, about to go under at any moment. I had hoped that after the reduction the feeling of being caught between a rock face and quick sand, whilst standing in a fast flowing river heading towards a deathly waterfall would disappear, but it appears I’m still stuck there. I want to move on, but can’t seem to. I go through the motions of pregnancy excitement but don’t truly feel it. I love the little nappies, and the tiny clothes but I love those cute things regardless. I can’t imagine our baby wearing them, or how I’ll feel when he is wearing them. I’m scared of how I’m going to feel, or perhaps more honestly, what will happen if I don’t feel anything. I’m scared of having post natal depression again, I’m scared that our decision at 12 wks will affect this baby for all it’s life. Yet, shit happens in life and we have to find a way of getting on and not looking back too often. We can’t change the decision we made, nor would we choose to if offered it again I don’t think. But it’s become part of us all and I do feel different. I feel like a terrible mum, undeserving of my kids love. I miss my twins, my triplets. I am a mother of four, yet I will only truly know two of them. I do know that I love them all and will never forget the ones who are not with us anymore.

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Quick update Monday 18 February 2008

Filed under: calculator,heartbeat,movements,size — timeforanother @ 12:10 pm

All still going well. Weighing 9st 9lb today (1lb under my pre-pg weight), bump measuring 98cm around. 18wks tomorrow, which is slowly creeping towards the halfway mark. Not feeling much movement, but the occasional lurching sensation. Picking up the hb everytime, although he moves pretty fast!

There are 154 days until your due date on July 22, 2008.
You are 126 days pregnant.
You are 4.1 months pregnant.
You are in your 5th month of pregnancy.
Your 2nd trimester: January 15, 2008 to April 28, 2008. (13 – 27 weeks)
Your 3rd trimester: April 29, 2008 to July 22, 2008. (28 – 40 weeks)

our baby’s weight has doubled in two weeks and now weighs about 3.5 ounces! The crown-to-rump length of your growing baby is 4.4 to 4.8 inches. If you spread your hand out opened wide, you can see about how big your baby is.

Your uterus is moving up and is now approximately 1.5 to 2 inches below your navel. You are showing more now and there is a noticeable swelling in your abdomen. At this point in your pregnancy, a 5 to 10 pound weight gain is normal. Other people can probably feel the difference in your lower abdomen if they were to rub your tummy. You may have felt your baby move already. However, you might not feel it move every day at this point. As your pregnancy progresses, movements become stronger and more frequent. Feeling your baby move can help reassure you that your baby is doing well. You might also notice that your gums or nose bleed occasionally. This is from the increased blood volume that puts pressure on small blood vessels and capillaries.

Huge changes continue to take place within your developing baby. This week fat begins to form and will continue to do so until he is born. Fat is important to the body’s heat production and metabolism. Right now, at 17 weeks, water makes up about 3 ounces and fat 0.018 ounces of your baby’s body. In a baby at term, fat makes up about 5.25 pounds of the total average weight of 7.7 pounds. The placenta is continuing to grow at an amazing rate. The placenta will continue to develop in tandem with the fetus and it will weigh more than a pound at birth! By this week, the placenta is large and well established with a network of blood vessels that exchange nutrients and waste.

The eyes are facing more forward. The ears are now close to their final position.

Your baby is more flexible with ability to move head, mouth, lips, arms, wrists, hands, legs, feet, and toes.

Fingerprints are forming now.

From http://www.i-am-pregnant.com

 

Valentines Friday 15 February 2008

Filed under: bleeding,counselling,house hunting — timeforanother @ 10:05 am

My lovely wonderful husband spoiled me rotten yesterday – jewellery, flowers and a meal cooked for me. Plus a card with the most beautiful words in. My surprise didn’t quite work to plan (it involved hair removal cream – ouch) but brought a smile to our faces 🙂

I also had my first counselling session with the maternity and neonatal counsellor. We hope that we can both go next time, but this one was arranged very last minute due to a cancellation. As suspected, I sobbed through the whole session as I explained what had happened, and my feelings about it all. I get the impression that she hasn’t dealt with anyone who’s been through a selective reduction before, but she was very sympathetic and asked good questions at the right moments. I hope it works out. Currently I’m not really sure how it will help but there don’t seem to be any good reasons *not* to try.

We have another nice weekend planned, with friends coming around tomorrow with their 2yr old daughter, then two house viewings on Sunday. We’re particularly excited about the house viewings – they’re in a different area, about 50mins drive from our current location but boy will our money go much further! For the price of a 2 bed flat here, we can get a detatched 4 bed house with garage and garden!! Unbelievable – I can’t wait to have all that space, and a garden for the kids to play in, and for me to grow fruit and vegetables. And a real spare room/office. And hopefully more families nearby. Where we live currently is all flats and we barely know any of our neighbours by sight, let alone by name.

And dare I mention it without jinxing it… ssssssh, I’ve had no more bleeding for about 5 days now… still get cramping and a few stabby pains but the bleeding has definitely cleared up. At long last 🙂

 

Down down down Tuesday 12 February 2008

OMG even writing that has made me cry (it has trhee down’s, one for each triplet). I finished reading Jackie Clune’s book ‘Extreme Motherhood’ today – it’s about how she dealt with having triplets with an 18mth old daughter. I ordered it when we first found out about our triplets as it came highly recommended. I avoided it for a while during the reduction period then came back to it. It’s generally a fun book and had me laughing in many places, it also made me think we couldn’t have done it. But the end has made me weep big fat sobbing tears for what we’ve lost. We didn’t even try. And I feel awful. I haven’t felt like this since the days before the reduction. I’ve failed my twins, the triplets and my four children. How can this get easier? When I signed the consent form, they should have told me I was signing a life sentence of grief and guilt.

 

Nightmare Monday 11 February 2008

Filed under: dream,losing the baby,nightmare,worries — timeforanother @ 3:29 pm

Feeling unsettled even now after a particularly gruesome and real-feeling ‘dream’ last night. I dreamt that after having sex with my husband, there was loads of blood all down my legs then a clot fell out. When I looked at the clot, it was the tiny twins and the remaining baby which was bigger. I’m trying to be rational about it, but it’s really preying on my mind and I hope it’s not a bad omen.

 

It’s a … Thursday 7 February 2008

Filed under: 2nd child,cherry tree,consultant,midwife,MIL,names,scan,trying for a boy — timeforanother @ 1:46 pm

I had a scan on Monday with our wonderful consultant and all is fine with the wriggler. The twins are looking so tiny in comparison, gradually being pushed to the side of my womb. I asked about their placenta and if it was going to cause any problems for the birth, but it’s too early to tell. It’s not like a regular low-lying placenta either because it’s not actually functioning any more, so who knows. I really hope it’s not going to get in the way, we’d still dearly love a homebirth, or at least a waterbirth at the hospital – really keen to avoid a c-section unless absolutely essential.

He didn’t take any measurements so I’m not sure what the CTR length is but it definitely looked bigger than 2 wks ago. I tentatively asked if it was too early to tell what sex it is and he moved the scan thing a little bit to get a view between the legs – “it looks male to me” I waited for the but… but it never came. He then showed me the legs and pointed out the inner thighs and there was definitely ‘something’ inbetween! When I got home, I notice he’s actually put the male symbol on my notes so I’m pretty certain we’re having a boy, although I’ll be having a very good look at the 21wk scan to see if I can see for myself. Lots of people have said their babies were really obviously boys, whereas I would never have known what we were looking at if he hadn’t pointed it out – the view was not a particularly clear one (to me anyway). Still, I trust him – he’s been an obstetrician for 20yrs 🙂 I’m pleased and nervous – I come from a big female family and don’t really know much about little boys – oh well, I’m about to learn I guess! My husband, mum and MIL are all over the moon about it which is fantastic, especially after all the ups and downs we’ve had.

Still no news from the counsellor about when we might start with her which is a little disappointing, I feel like we’re over the worst and it was hard managing that on our own – we could really have done with the professional help during that time. But I also know that I’m far from coming to terms with the reduction. I still cry most days about them and the horrible situation we found ourselves in. It’s just that I tend to cry a little and privately on my own now. I think we’ve decided to go with a flowering cherry tree to remember the twins by – not only are they really pretty, but cherries come in pairs which is kind of nice and symbolic.

Back to see the consultant in 3wks (it’ll be a different one as mine is on holiday), local mw on Tuesday (first time since booking in at 8wks!), then 21wk scan on 14th March. Still not sure if we’re going to finish having consultant care or not at that point, I’m hoping it will continue throughout the whole pg now, but obviously if it’s not necessary I’ll understand.

Now we have to decide on boy names – girl names are so much easier. I think we already have the middle name sorted, so I’d best go and dig out my baby name books again 🙂