Time for Another

the diary of our quest for baby number 2

Thursday 10th January Monday 14 January 2008

I have to get this down, and as I’m as honest here as I am for real, it will not make the most pleasant reading. However it is what happened.

My MIL looked after our dd whilst I faffed around most of the morning before deciding to go for a swim. I managed about 3 lengths before becoming breathless – that’ll be the triplets then, sapping my energy and oxygen!! I took time to float in the blue and talk inwardly to my three babies. Nothing really specific but as much love as any mother feels for her children and sincere apologies about what was to happen. As I was swimming, the blue of the pool became out of focus so I couldn’t distinguish the bottom and it’s something which remained with me all day – ‘into the blue’ – that’s where my babies were going, into the blue, swimming and floating endlessly, happy and safe.

After a tearful phone conversation with my mum I got home to wash the chlorine out of my hair and put on some smarter clothes. Why the need to look smart I don’t know but it felt right. I realised when I got home that I had subconciously dressed all in black. I packed my bag with some fruit, my notes and a book then ordered a cab to get to the station. On the train, I wrote up our list of questions – one page for decision making, lots of ‘if this, then ???’ and a page for afterwards.

My husband met me at Victoria and we travelled the final stretch to Denmark Hill together. A grim, grey windy day – I couldn’t decide if it was apt or if I’d have felt more miserable if the sun had been shining.

We arrive at King’s College Hospital and find our way to Suite 9 of the Jubilee Wing. We wait. It’s hot and busy – lots of excited looking mums – some probably at the same stage as me, here for their nuchal scans, others much further down the line. We get called through for them to take my bloods, although because I’m expecting triplets, blood results are no use for diagnostic testing for Down’s etc. I told the guy this but he insisted that he had to take it. I’m phobic about needles and blood so blood taking is like pure torture for me and already stressed by the day ahead of me, I didn’t cope very well. It hurt like hell and I could feel him prodding the needle around – probably not helped by me wailing like a baby. He managed to get a tiny amount of blood but the lab needed more. So he began butchering my other arm instead. Thankfully not quite so painful but unpleasant nonetheless.

We then were called straight over to have the scan done. Before I even got to lie down on the couch, it became apparent that they thought I was having twins and when we explained, no it’s triplets (we’ve had 2 scans already) they told us that we’d have to go to another waiting area to wait for the better scanning equipment. He also said (as I thought) they needn’t have taken bloods. I burst into tears again- already the day was filled with small mistakes, how could it get any worse?

We headed down to the other waiting area where there were 2 other couples. They were called and seen and we were joined by others. They were called and seen. We waited. We were near the offices of the consultants and midwives so there was much to-ing and fro-ing from them. At one point a woman (doctor?) came out of one room and spoke to a man in scrubs “do you want to watch a baby being killed later?” she said to him. There was much joshing around about this, but we were appalled. How insensitive can you get? Not least for us who were considering the reduction but for any pregnant woman. I was furious and resolved to complain later.

After 2hrs waiting, we finally got called in. The sonographer was pleasant enough but kept asking “what do you want to do?” all we could say was we can’t keep three. The scan took time as they had to measure each one and use all the diagnostic tests available because they couldn’t combine with blood tests. Each of my babies was perfect. Everything in order, low nuchal fold measurements, heart beats, all limbs, stomach, brain, spine etc etc. Perfect. How can such good news be so crucifying? We were sort of hoping that the results would show a problem which might make deciding easier. But no.

We then wait for the Professor to come in. He arrives with an entourage of about 7-8 doctors (who we presume are research fellows). He puts things bluntly and tells us to put our questions away. Why can’t we keep 3? I feel like I’m being questioned for a crime, my mind goes blank and yet I know we’ve been over and over the how’s and how nots in the last week and a half. I feel scrutinised. He writes on a bit of paper the chances of miscarriage for keeping one, two or 3 of the babies – 15% for all between now and 23wks. Then a second set of percentages for risk of premature birth/disability/death for each ‘option’. 20-30% for 3, 10% for 2, 5% for 1. That’s it he says, that’s all you need to know.

We go and sit in a quiet room for 10 mins (we could leave our decision until next Tues but I don’t think you’d have got me back there – it’s now or never). I desperately want to keep the twins – it seems natural to want to keep as many as possible, but my husband ever the practical minded says the best outcome is to keep one and isn’t that what we decided? I guess it is but I’m blinded by my heart again. Despite this, we have to decide now. Against my every fibre we tell the doctor we ‘want’ (never has a word been so inadequate) to keep the singleton. I swear I get given a look that says ‘what? you’re getting rid of 2 out of 3 babies? do you know how rare it is for you to have even conceived them naturally?!’ My husband tells me that isn’t how it is, but already I’m judging myself and assume everyone else is too.

We go to another room and are told, the Professor is finishing another procedure so we’ll have to wait for him. They scan me again, give us the calculated risks of Down’s etc for each ‘fetus’. Typically, the twins have the lowest risk scores but the singleton is not anywhere near high risk. We try to ask about what is to be expected afterwards but keep getting dismissed with “if you get lots of heavy bleeding and pain, you are miscarrying, go to your local hospital” no mention of any ‘normal’ symptoms in the coming days. We wait some more. I ask about antibiotics to minimise the risk of infection. And yes, they will be doing that shortly. It takes me a moment to realise these aren’t goint to be oral, oh no, they want to stick it in my arm. Once again they attempt to use my left arm as it’s the one which at the time hurts the least, however there is pain and immense discomfort (more wailing and crying from me) – they decide that the veins in that arm are no use for injecting and so go for the right arm again. It hurts less but I am in a panic now and can’t stop sobbing. It takes an age for the stuff to be pushed in but finally it’s over. We continue to wait for the Prof.

He arrives and after a terse question about if we are certain, I’m told to lie down and stop crying, grip his arm and look away from the monitor. I’m vaguely aware that the entourage are surrounding the couch, silently filing in. My darling husband grips my other hand tightly and wipes tears from his eyes. It’s 7.45pm The needle? is pushed into my abdomen and through my uterus. It’s an unusual sensation, not painful but strange. My only analogy is threading raw chicken onto skewers. There is one moment where the feeling is really unpleasant and a moan out loud a little. I hear the Prof asking his assistant to put 2ml into the end – I guess this is the potassium chloride. Another couple of jabs and that’s it. About 10 mins in all. The Prof tells us, you have one baby. The entourage have silently filed out again, leaving me and my husband with one or two others. I sob uncontrollably and feel like the worst mother in the world and immediately filled with regret and remorse, that we have made the wrong decision. The doctor assisting gives me a big hug and tells me “you have made the best decision for you and your family”. By the time we come to a little (3mins?) the room is almost empty, the Prof has long gone. Again, we try to ask about the coming days and what to expect – any bleeding or fluid loss etc? but are again told about the miscarriage scenario. We go and sit in the quiet room again. The sofa in there is so old and saggy that to sit in it is really uncomfortable so I sit in the hard chair instead. There is an empty box of tissues on the side which just about sums up the place. We cry some more then try and get a grip, it’s done after all and there’s no going back.

After 30mins or so, we go back into the scan room where the check that our remaining baby is doing ok. We see it briefly and it is moving and it’s heart is beating. Already I miss seeing all three of them and I become aware that I can’t feel them move any more. They’d been going like crazy up until the reduction, and quite obviously they weren’t now. 12 wks is ususally far to early to feel movements so it’s going to be a few weeks yet before I can feel our little bean moving on it’s own. I’m overwhelmed with sadness once again. Once the 2 min scan has confirmed all is ok, we’re off. That’s it. Over.

It’s 8.30pm – we have been there 6hrs, mostly waiting. Physically it’s my arms which are hurting the most (not something I expected from the day!), mentally we are both drained. We get home at 10.30pm exhausted, all cried out. My tummy aches but I can’t bear to touch it. I just want to get through the coming days.

Now, nearly 4 days on, I’ve had 5 fluid leaks and continue to feel achey. Some days are ok, some I want to curl up and stay there. MIL took our daughter back with her for the weekend to give us some time together alone which was good, we missed her like crazy but we needed to take time for both of us. I’m desperately hoping that the remaining bean is a sticky one. We have been unable to find about what is normal after a reduction – the fluid loss bothers me although I know I’m not miscarrying. I’m surprised and disgusted that King’s didn’t give us any information about what to expect – my local hospital were lovely but didn’t have any ideas about what is normal as they don’t see reductions. Even if you have a tooth extracted at the dentist you usually come out with a checklist of what to expect and when to be concerned. But no, we’re left to our own devices, feeling as if what we’ve done is a dirty little secret.

Thank god for our fantastically supportive families and friends, and also the Yahoo support group Selective Reduction Loss Support group (invitation only). The staff at the Royal Sussex hospital have been amazing too, unlike their counterparts at King’s college hospital, who were at best capable of performing the reduction quickly, at worst, ineffecient, uncaring, crass.

To my darling twins, I hope you are safe in the blue. I love you so much and will never forget you. To my little bean, stay with us little one, you are very much loved. At least you’ll have a little more space to stretch your legs now.

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23 Responses to “Thursday 10th January”

  1. erica Says:

    I hope you are feeling better and that everything works out ok. I can’t imagine how I would have felt in your situation.I have a hard enough time carrying a singleton and I can’t imagine trying to carry multiples.Sometimes we have to do whats best for us eventhough they are sometimes the toughest decisions.

  2. shannon Says:

    I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through, my heart goes out to you and your family.

  3. Lisa Says:

    I’m sorry, but what you did is just disgusting and appallingly selfish. I hope you live in guilt your entire life, because you deserve it.

  4. timeforanother Says:

    Well Lisa, you are entitled to your opinion. I’m interested to know what exactly you find disgusting and how any other course of action we had taken would be any less selfish. Mostly I genuinely hope that you never find yourself in our position. Until you have been there you will never understand (nor would I expect anyone who hasn’t been there to).

    Perhaps if you do some serious research on the realities of carrying triplets or more (which I had to) you will begin to understand the complexities involved. Our decision was based on as much information as we could possibly gather – not a simple ‘don’t want three’ attitude.

    Unfortunately the media only tends to report on the successful multiple birth stories, the reality is much less cute. 25% of all triplet pregnancies end in no live births. Many more end in very sick babies who can and do die. Maybe we would have successfully carried and delivered 3 healthy babies, it’s something we’ll never know and noone could guarantee.

    We made a horrible choice for the right reasons. Maybe you would do something else if it were you in my shoes. Who knows. It’s not really about anyone else – this was down to me and my husband and doing what was right for us and our family.

  5. zara Says:

    I was in the same situation but i already had 2 kids. I didnt want another 3 but it was what i was given, I gave up a great job and totaly change my life. I am now a stay at home mum with 5 kids it drives me mad some times but I could not of had a reduction like you. What you did was so wrong and i hope you suffer for the rest of your life to plan a pregnany and then murder to babies in such a selfish way is tragic, you denied 2 babies a chance of life and murdered you babies siblings.

    • timeforanother Says:

      Funnily enough I have tried to respond to you by email but the address you have given does not exist.

      Suffice to say, you did things your way, we did things our way. Neither of us is wrong. If only people would understand that life is not black and white. Your comments don’t make me feel any differently about our decision (please note that OUR, not mine). I love the twins just as much as my living children. I believe that going down the very risky road of attempting my triplet pregnancy would have been ultimately much more selfish. I had to consider my husbands feelings, how it would affect our daughter, how we would manage our life. And that’s assuming that they survived the pregnancy, and weren’t ill due to premature birth (all of which my consultant told me were very real risks). It wasn’t just that 3 was too many. So, thank you for bothering to spout your vitriol on here anonymously – funny that you kind of people are never interested in having a proper grown up discussion, but will always assume that you are right and I/we are wrong.

      Good for you being a stay at home mum to 5 kids. I’m a stay at home to 2 kids. I’m glad things worked out for you. I’m also glad that things worked out for us. I am at peace with our decision.

  6. Jen Says:

    Hi there, I found your blog looking up info about ovulation– not really sure how that worked– but nonetheless, i just want to say that it was very saddening to read about this experience. I’m also sorry that the above people had said the things they did.. I am definitely pro-life, but I also believe that there is forgiveness, and there can be peace. God loves you so much, and your twins are in heaven with him. It is his greatest desire that if you have any guilt at all, you will just cry out to Him. He is so merciful!!

    Life is tough, it really is, I just hope and pray that you and your family are well, safe and happy. Please just know that not all people who are against abortion feel that someone who has had one should feel bad forever because of it. He who hasn’t sinned may cast the first stone..

    Just saying.

    Love to you and yours, in the Lord Jesus Christ. God bless you.

  7. TRACEY Says:

    i so feel for you. What a heartbreaking decision you had to make. I have 4 children myself ,and feel that you made the best decision for you and your family. People havent got the right to judge you,no one has that right. I wish you all the best and hope that you find peace within yourself.x

  8. Sh Says:

    hello,

    I was also treated by Nikolaides at Kings. I was pregnant with quadruplets after 2 embryos being transplanted during an IVF cycle. Unfortunately 3 were in the one placenta with 2 of these shared an amniotic sac. Unlike with you they could not give me statistics. I was a one off it seemed, not in a good way either.
    I understand how perhaps Kings seemed like a harsh environment, and perhaps Nikolaides doesn’t always have the best bedside manner. However it was his firm telling me exactly what was happening that helped me get through. he never treated me like an idiot as some health professionals do. I told them I wanted as many babies to survive as possible. They performed cord ablation on the 2 babies in the same amniotic sac. A few weeks later the third baby in that placenta died. My son, now 2, in his own placenta fought on to the end making his due date.

    At times they must have thought me a robot, just dealing with things. Only a few times did i get emotional, normally on the phone demanding test results. ironically the 4th baby who survived had a high chance of Downs. Prof Nikolaides assured me the results would be fine and performed a very difficult CVS test on me due to the position of the baby. I was told after few doctors in the world could have achieved it so deftly and safely. Ironically if it had of came back positive for Downs i would have still kept him but i may have terminated all 3 other babies who had less chance of survival to give my son the best chance of going full term.

    I was convinced they thought I had no emotion at this stage when one day one of Nikolaides followers touched my shoulder and told me I was one of the strongest women he’d seen. That meant a lot.

    I just want to say what a fabulous job the Harris Birthright Centre does. Perhaps their unforgivable joke about seeing a baby being killed is a small release to help with, at times what must be a heartbreaking speciality, especially at that centre.

    I am in a rush and I haven’t written this well but i just wanted to show the other side of the seemingly cold treatment you received. I am glad your procedure went smoothly and you have 2 beautiful children. Like you I often think of my other babies and what might have been.

    • timeforanother Says:

      Sarah,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and share your story. I can only tell my experience of the Professor and his staff at the Harris Birthright Centre. We were in a rare position, having conceived the triplets naturally – and I do believe that this subtly changed their attitude to us. Sadly there is always a risk of high order multiples with fertility treatments and many times this means that outcome is discussed – for us it was completely out of the blue. That’s not to suggest that either of us (or anyone facing reduction) doesn’t go through the same emotional nightmare of the hows, whys, what ifs etc.

      Whilst I understand what you are saying about the staff and their very difficult and stressful job, I do not think this excuses their ‘joking’ about “killing babies”. It is simply not ethical. Also, if they find the practices against their personal morals, then I would suggest that they are practicing in the wrong field of medicine. I cannot imagine that in an abortion clinic, staff would be allowed to talk of ‘killing babies’ in front of patients; or even at a vets, when putting an animal down. It’s a highly emotive phrase to use, and extremely inappropriate to use in earshot of emotionally vulnerable people (I refer to the other patients, not just ourselves).

      I’m pleased that your experience of the Professor was a good one. I’m certainly not trying to suggest that he is a bad doctor. I had been warned that he had a brusque manner, but I still feel that we were treated dismissively and went away from an emotionally and physically draining procedure with no clear idea of what to expect or what to do. I was grateful to have found the Yahoo support group for women who have been through selective reduction, and from their experiences knew some of the possible outcomes and what to do eg take bed rest for a couple of days post-procedure. I’m also eternally grateful to my local consultant, Mr Des Holden, at the Royal Sussex County Hospital who was professional, yet sensitive throughout my pregnancy.

  9. Nico Says:

    I just do not understand what you have done. What right do you have to kill 2 babies? No one has the right to take a life. No matter how you dress it up or disguise it you have done an evil thing.

    • timeforanother Says:

      Well, what a surprise. Another pro-life comment from an email address which bounces… Enter into a discussion. Realise that there are two sides to a story. Ask questions. Do ‘something’ rather than just judge (and who are you to judge…?) My latest blog post discusses comments like this one.

  10. Joanne Says:

    Hi, I have just read your story and can completely sympathise about what an awful position you found yourself in. I have just found out that I am pregnant with triplets, although unlike you this was as a result of fertility treatment overseas. I am also considering selective reduction due to the risks associated with carrying triplets. I would rather have 2 healthy babies then lose all 3. I understand that my chnaces of miscarriage are higher without the reduction than with it.

    I am considering going to Kings as this Doctor does seem to be the expert in the field but was worried at your comments on aftercare to prevent miscarriage. My clinic overseas are talking about putting me on a Magnesium drip for 10 days to minimise the risk – did you have anything like this? Could you let me know what aftercare / drug protocol you did recieve?

    Many thanks for any help you can give me.

    Joanne

  11. anne Says:

    Oh my god!!!!
    I have searched for years to find someone who has gone through what we went through. I dont have time to give all the details but I had a selective reduction on the 1st July 2005 by Prof Nicolades. My twins were mono amneotic and my single baby is now at school and just turned 5. we were 13 weeks exactly at the time. Reading your experience is like you were there in the room with us. I will save this page and try and make contact again if thats ok. I have been offered counciling but have always said i just need to speak to someone who had been through the same as us. hope to speak again soon, Anne

  12. kayleigh Says:

    hi there, i was 18 on the 1st of july this year and the day before i was in prof nicolaides privet clinic because my local hospital kettering genral washed their hands with me! on my 18th i spent all day in hospital waiting to see the prof where he had sent me from the day before with no charge from his clinic because he was angry that the NHS did nothing to help me im now 26 weeks pregnant with a handsome little boy ( Bobby ) and he has server microcystic CCAMs, hydrops, acites and is going in to heart failer. Now this is my first baby and i love him so i was offered a termination many many times but i belived that he will make it but every1 gave up hope on him but the professor DIDN’T he cut the blood supply to the tumor to help the heart work as it should he was the most amazing man i have ever met he came in gave me a kiss on the cheek and wished me happy birthday and told me there would be no charge for the treatment given as a birthday present he was the only 1 in england that helped me and belived that there could be hope for bobby and so he helped me and for that he is and always will be my hero because he saved my little boys life i see him every week at kings hospital now and every week im more and more greatful for his help so yes im sorry but everyone has their own oppinions im discusted with what you have done just think of the poor people out there that cant have children and how they feel and u distroyed 2 babies lives i wouldnt give up my little boy for the world and you will live the rest of your life in guilt but that really is your own fault!!!

    • timeforanother Says:

      Yes yes, another person who hasn’t got the balls to use a real email address. I’m glad that Prof Nicoladies has helped you. I’m also glad he helped us. But please, spare me the vitriol – as I keep saying and will continue to say, we did what was right and necessary for our family and under the circumstances we found ourselves in. It wasn’t easy, or pleasant but it was necessary for us. The clinic understand that too – otherwise why would they offer (and suggest) reductions? We didn’t request one, we’d never heard of them before – we were recommended one by our consultant (who actually trained under the Prof) because of the nature of the pregnancy and the high risks involved to myself and each of the babies. It WAS NOT just about the number of babies for us, it was far more complex. I could go on, but really it’s such a bore to have to repeat myself over and over again to people who won’t listen because they believe they are right and we are wrong. Life is tough and along the way we have to make difficult choices and live with the results, if only life could be black and white, but it isn’t. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and motherhood, concentrate on that instead of wasting energy looking up blogs and spouting your misguided and downright spiteful words – maybe if you have the guts you should ask the Prof why he performs reductions given that you are so anti them. He’s the one who performs them regularly and is renowned for teaching the technique used…

  13. frances Says:

    hello, while reading your story i was very angry at what you did, and yes i hope you live the rest of your live feeling guilty you say you love your twins but, you did’nt love them enough to let them live, will you tell your other children that the have 2 sisters/brothers that you murdered? what will they think of you?. if you read the comment above that is my daughter, yes we were writen of by our local hospital and john radcliff in oxford and kings to begin with but when we saw the prof at his private clinic he told us straight that my grandson had 0 chance of living the only hope for him was for the blood supply the the cam to be stopped and that he could do this with laser treatment which he would perform at kings the next day (my daughters 18th), he gave her the best birthday present she could wish for, the baby is already improving and she will now go full term.
    you see people like you make me sick to the stomache, you deserve nothing good in this life, your children will hate you for wHAT YOU DID THE THEIR BROTHERS/SISTERS, as someone stated before let them without sin cast the 1st stone, but it is also said that we will be judged before god, but what you did (comit murder) you should go straight to hell ( 1 of the comanments thou shall not comit murder) you have twice, i’m not surpriced the prof treated you like that, he has spent years trying to save the lives of many many babies, if i had been a member of his team i would have lost my job because i would have told you what a selfish bitch you were, yes his college is run by donatioins and not the n.h,s., why waste the money on people like you you should have been made to pay. may you life been full of misery and your other children hate you in later life for what you did to their siblings, you and your husband rot in hell. i also beleive that people like you who abort for the sake of it should also be sterlised and never have the privolidge of becoming a mother.
    as i have little else to write i would like to finish by saying again may you and your husband rot in hell and never have any joy in your lives and i hope your children hate yous both, one more question WILL YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU BOTH MURDERED THEIR SIBLINGS???? (i don’t think you will).

    • timeforanother Says:

      Dear Frances,
      Well, where to start. Thanks for taking the time to comment at all. You clearly haven’t read the whole blog, or else you would have understood how difficult the decision we made was – also that it was made with the best information possible from the people who know better than me or you. The risk to the triplets lives and my own life was at a very great risk – so we were deciding upon the best course of action for 4 people (6 if you include my husband and daughter as well). Your daughter is only dealing with her son.

      Your (daughter’s) experience of Prof Nicolaidies is a good one because he did what you wanted, and did it without charge. You should also know that he is a pioneer of the nuchal fold scan and performing reductions. Just because he has ‘saved’ your grandchild, doesn’t mean he is an angel. He performs the most reductions in the UK, and believe me, if he had as strong views as you, he would not be doing so. Unlike you I suspect he understands better that everyone’s situation is different and doesn’t actually judge.

      For someone who says she is in thrall to her God, you are doing a very good job of deciding for him/her how he/she would judge me (if indeed he/she actually exists). It always amuses me that the hyper religious think they know their god so well as to make sweeping crass statements as to how others live their lives. Look after yourself before you so rudely trample all over someone elses, especially someone you do not even know.

      As for telling our children about what has happened, you are so wrong (as I clearly state in my blog several times) we talk about the twins/triplets often. On the anniversary of the reduction we light candles and I answer questions my daughter asks in an honest way, as I do with every question she has for me. Funnily enough it is her talking of the twins tonight which prompted me to look at the blog again this evening, and then finding your comments

      It’s interesting you mention people who can’t have children who you think would hate me for what I’ve done – I’m in regular contact with other women who have had reductions, and nearly all of them are women who couldn’t conceive without interventions. They have had the double whammy of infertility followed by an ‘overly’ successful pregnancy and having to go down the reduction route. Most of them are practising Christians, some are Catholic – all know the pain of making that decision. You’ve never been in our shoes so you cannot ever understand what or how the decision was made. If only life was so black and white. I could be equally as rude and disgusting as you about your daughter’s decision to keep her child if I so desired – but I wont’ stoop to your level.

      I wish your daughter luck with the rest of her pregnancy and eventual motherhood. And I hope that one day you will gain the gift of compassion and understanding – you sound like you need it.

  14. frances Says:

    thanks for your reply time for another say, all of the people that know me know that I’m very compassionate, but not towards people who abort babies for the sake of it and as for you knowing Catholics who have aborted then they are not true Catholics (they do not believe in it, my dad is catholic), i also thought that everyone knew the saying we’ll all be judged by god, but as a consolation i also believe let him who is without sin cast the first stone. you say about your daughter talking about them does she know that you aborted them and is she old enough to understand what you did and do you tell her the truth. this man the proff has been trying to SAVE the lives of thousands of babies for over 30yrs, all jobs come with good and bad i suppose he’s the only one able to do multi reductions. as for people paying for i.v.f then reducing the pregnancy they should be billed for all the resources they have wasted, and the wages of the staff that have been there to help them, then they should be named and shamed. it is one of the greatest jobs anyone could be given is that of motherhood, and those that want to pick and choose as to how many children they have do not deserve the privilege of becoming a mother. i also wish you well for the future of your children, you have your opinions of the proff and we have ours (which have all been good). BYE BYE!!!!

  15. hopeful Says:

    Dear Timeforanother,

    Hi. I’m astounded at the general ignorance at some of the people cowardly attacking you via this blog. I have never commented on line like this before but feel prompted to do so. I think you are a very brave and unselfish person and I hope that you had a successful pregnancy following your reduction. I always say that you can never judge a person until you have walked a lifetime in their shoes.

    I too have experience of Professor Nicolaides. After trying naturally for seven years, having experienced numerous operations, tonnes of drugs and one miscarraige, we became pregnant again. At our 13 week scan, it was identified that our beloved baby had slipped through a tear in the sac and the sac had closed back over the baby, effectively cutting the baby in half. It was still alive but had no bottom half below the chest, no lower limbs or organs. Professor Nicolaides at this point said ‘Well Madame – you have hit the jackpot.’ Nice. It appears that this happens in 1 in 15,000 pregnancies and he had only seen this 3 times in his long career. We were given a 0% success rate and under his advice had to have an extremely traumatic termination. 3 years on after continuing to try with fertility drugs we are still childless. We are now doing IVF (which is NO WAY an easy option – and very dangerous for me due to ovarian hyper stimulation). Each time we have opted for single embryo transfers and I have miscarried both. We have been advised to try 2 embryos now as we have immunology issues potentially combined with chromosomal problems – so we would like to give ourselves every chance. For previous bloggers who infer that all IVF people want to do is have a easy ‘go’ at getting pregnant is most offensive and bloody ignorant. It is never that simple and at every step we have scrutinised every decision. Even if you have one embryo put back, with assisted hatching there is still a big chance of that embryo dividing and becoming identical twins – so it is not simply a case of chucking loads in and doubling your chances. It is very calculated. I suggest some of the pro-life ignorants do more research. So what would you advise me to do? Give up after 10 years? Why should I? I have every right to try and create a much longed for loved life and I may well be in ‘timeforanother’s’ situation, through no fault in my own. If you had any idea of the risks of multiple pregnancies, then you would understand why such a heart breaking decision has to been made. Perhaps many of you simply do not understand that life IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. I hope some of you find some compassion and emotional intelligence soon. Timeforanother, I sincerely wish you all the best. xxxx

  16. Helen Says:

    I just came across your blog while searching for information on selective reduction and just wanted to leave a comment. I too have just had a selective reduction with Prof Nicolaides (from twins to a singleton) for medical reasons. My experience was similar to yours with lots of waiting, but I found his bedside manner very friendly, if a bit abrupt (though the same can’t be said about his treatment of his research fellows, which was rather rude).

    I just wanted to say that nobody has the right to judge you for the decision you made. Many others might think they would react differently, but until you find yourself in that situation no-one knows how they will react. Only you know what’s best for your family. I too plan to discuss with our remaining baby (assuming everything goes ok from now on) the decision we made in order to give him the best chance in life. I really like the idea of lighting a candle on the anniversary of the procedure.Lots of love to you and your family.

  17. A dad Says:

    I have read through the blog and wanted to share our experience for people out there with multiple pregnancies. We had a triplet pregnancy, with two identical twins (dichorionic) and a third fetus. We were told at University College Hospital to abort one or two fetuses. We saw Professor Nicolaides at the Fetal Medicine Clinic. We found him charming and extremely supportive. He stayed late after everyone else had gone to go through the statistics with us, and explain to us that reduction also involves risks to the other fetuses etc. After a detailed discussion with him we felt we had the information to make the decision to keep all three and thank G-d, they are now 5 and a half and well. To us Professor Nicolaides was a complete G-d send, and we are eternally grateful for his expertise, his straight talking and his support.

  18. Anne Says:

    Hello, I replies to you earlier and I want to check that my email is correct as some are not. I havent read all the replys to your original post but will do at a later date. I read yours again just now and it was just like being there all over again. Its about this time of year I start thinking about it all again as it was 1st July we had our reducton. Im posting my email again to check you got my address.
    Take carex Anne


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