Time to say goodbye Monday 11 January 2010

It was the 2nd anniversary of our reduction yesterday. The days running up to it left me feeling very emotional – I re-read the blog entries and remembered those dark and difficult days so clearly. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, yet also still so vivid and raw.

I still often catch myself wondering how it might have been to have 3 little ones running around, causing mischief, winning me over with a cheeky smile… but I am grateful that we have two adorable children with us. The twins have their special place in our hearts and last night we lit two chinese lanterns and remembered our little ones. Our daughter watched from her bedroom window and waved at them as they floated peacefully up into the frosty sky.

We’ll continue to honour them in a similar fashion every year, until maybe we won’t want or feel the need to. For now, it feels right.

What has become clear is that I don’t feel the need to continue this blog. It has been incredibly useful to me, getting down those random, complicated thoughts. And when I look back to how it all started, with a mission to document a 2nd pregnancy, with a vague idea of trying for a boy… how differently it panned out. The blog will remain as a diary – one day maybe my children will read it. In the meantime, it gets a fairly steady stream of unknown readers – I know not all of those readers agree or understand what we did or why we did it, but there are at least a couple for whom it has helped. To know that you are not alone in going through this incredibly difficult time. It was the lack of information and support for this very specific procedure which I found deeply upsetting, there was no-one to turn to, until I discovered the Yahoo support group. Even there, the women were all American and had become pregnant with fertility treatments, I was the only one pregnant entirely naturally (which meant we had had no discussions about the likelihood of multiple pregnancy or it’s outcomes). However we all know the double edged sword that reduction is. We all agonised over the procedure, feel great guilt, grief and confusion, wondered ‘what if…’. Together we continue to talk, discuss, counsel and support each other. A tiny bunch of some of the bravest, strongest women I have ever encountered. I am proud to be one of them, despite the circumstances which brought us together.

And so, it is time to say goodbye. Thank you to those who have read and commented – it sure has been a bumpy ride, but life goes on, and we are all stronger for the experiences we have had.

I’d like to dedicate this blog to my wonderful husband and my gorgeous children (all four of them). I love you all to the moon and back. xxx

I’m back :) Tuesday 4 August 2009

For today anyway! Can’t believe it’s been so many months since I last managed a post. Very remiss, but I have got an excuse, being a busy mama to my two wonderful kids. If can barely believe that our little boy turned 1 just a couple of weeks ago, and our beautiful daughter will celebrate her 4th birthday in a couple of weeks time.

I just caught up with some comments left here.  I’m always surprised to find them – I forget that there are people who find and read this blog (despite no advertising of it anywhere as far as I’m aware).  Other than spam, I decided early on to publish all comments made, whatever their content. Some might find this a bit bizarre but for the most part, I accept that the topic of selective reduction will produce strong reactions. Most of the comments I’ve received have been very nice with the odd more unpleasant one thrown into the mix. I don’t deny anyone the right to say what they feel, but it really disappoints me that the pro-lifers are so crude and unwilling to accept that some things in life are not black and white, however we would like them to be.  For sure, the decision may have been a lot simpler if I’d had such strong views. Then again, maybe not. I remember thinking at the time how it might have been if I’d had a faith (I don’t). Now that I’ve been in contact with other women who have been through SR – most of whom are practising Christians – I’m certain that it would have only made things more woolly. Ultimately I only have myself to answer to. My husband and I are lucky to have a strong marriage and friendship and we made the decisions we made together. If I’d wanted something different, I’m not entirely certain where we’d be right now. I strongly suspect that even with the strongest of relationships, ours may not have survived having triplets. Financially I know that it would have been pretty devastating even during the pregnancy – having time off when you’re self employed means no income. I can only imagine what might have been. And so, because it really doesn’t matter about all the infinite ‘what if’s’ now (what’s done is done), I choose to think positively about it all. We have an adorable little boy with a gorgeous and proud big sister. The twins I’m sure would have been equally adorable and gorgeous, and I like to think of them with a smile instead of a cry. We talk about them still – they are part of our lives and our family – just because they are no longer here with us in person, doesn’t mean they aren’t still the siblings to our surviving kids, or our children. They were more than just foetuses to us, I felt them moving and saw them on the scans. I feel I owe it to them to remember them and honour them, for they did exist, if only for a short time.  And no amount of sanctimonious commentary will ever make me feel any differently.

Snatching 5 mins Tuesday 17 February 2009

As both kids are napping, I suddenly remembered that I haven’t updated here for ages. Life gets in the way! Since my last post, we have been through the anniversary of the reduction and it was upsetting but ultimately I have made peace with it. We planted a beautiful weeping cherry tree, with the placenta underneath and lit two candles for our twins. Earlier in the day I had a tattoo of a pair of cherries done on the place I remember feeling them. It’s only small but feels significant.

Life goes on at it’s usual hectic pace – we’re doing Little Dippers (swimming/water safety) with our son and he adores being in the water. Maybe because he was born into it? And our daughter is settling into the Montessori nursery very well. I’m on to the 2nd term of my bookbinding course and really enjoying it. It’s good to have a little time away from being mama, to do something for myself.

This weekend we were lucky enough to have a night out, with our good friend babysitting the kids. It was fun to get dressed up and have a dance or two- something we haven’t done in a long while. We’ve vowed to make time for us as a couple at least once a month. And plans are afoot for a big move next year… more on that later maybe 🙂  Meantime we have a fortnights holiday to look forward to in early May – a much needed break for all of us, and the first time abroad for Thing 2!

Weighing in Thursday 11 December 2008

A very quick round up starting with the bloody amazing news that I am back to pre-preg weight of 9st 11. This has come as a big surprise as only a few weeks ago I was still way over 10st and finding it hard to shift those extra pounds. However a few of my clothes have started to get that slightly loose feeling, so I guess my walking to and from nursery everyday is having an effect. Also living a distance from the shops helps with avoiding tasty snacks.

Christmas is nearly upon us and as usual we’re doing the last minute thing. Thank god for the internet – most of my shopping is done this way and Christmas is no exception. My daughter is the easiest of all – I could easily spend a fortune on her as she’s at that brilliant age where everything is interesting. We’ve gone for a beautiful wooden oven and wooden cupcake set as her main present and this year we’ll do her first ever stocking 🙂

Our son is more tricky – he’s only 21wks so doesn’t really need or want anything other than the things he already has but obviously we don’t want our dd to feel he’s been left out (or that Santa thinks he’s been naughty!) I’m sure we’ll get a few bits for him even if it’s just some new babygros.

Oh dear, my usually placid, quiet son is squealing and kicking his legs so I’d better go and sort him out with some food.

Almost back online Monday 10 November 2008

We finally moved in to our new home last week so things are a bit hectic – boxes everywhere and a tantrumming daughter. It’s been very unsettling for her particularly over the last couple of months, and a new home, after a week with my parents and a week in a holiday cottage, combined with starting a new nursery school 5 mornings a week. Thankfully our little boy remains pretty oblivious – the joys of being 16wks old!

The house is lovely and the area seems really nice so we hope to enjoy our time here. I had a big wobble a couple of days ago as I remembered that this time last year we would have been pregnant (just) with the triplets. It’s still so painful to remember it all; so crystal clear on all the details, just like it was yesterday. It’s so much more abstract than just thinking ‘oh well, at least I have my beautiful son’ I still miss my twins and will always feel that way. Of course our son is adorable and completely loved and every day with him is a pleasure. He’s learnt to roll over, blow raspberries and smiles the biggest, cutest smiles ever 🙂

Hopefully once our broadband connection is up and running (I’m piggybacking on someone elses wifi at the moment) I’ll be back to blogging more tales of family life.

Procrastinating Tuesday 14 October 2008

I should really be packing – we leave here on Friday morning and there is a mountain of stuff to do. But… here I am. We’ve effectively homeless for the next 2 weeks as the buyers insisted they complete this Friday instead of the 3rd Nov which we wanted. So it’s off to my parents with the kids whilst DH stays here to work and sofa surf, then we’re planning on a UK getaway for the final week – we need to chill out and relax a little as well as having some fun with Thing 1 who has been a bit neglected in the entertainment department of late. She’s finishing at her nursery this week and will start at the local Montessori school in November, which we’re delighted about – it should suit her temperament really well, and the class sizes are nice and small.

Ok, better go – must feed the small ones.

Long time no write Wednesday 8 October 2008

Funnily enough I’ve been pretty busy and have neglected to update this blog. Apologies for those who have been reading regularly. So, this will be a quick visit – I need to feed my little one and sleep.  We’ve so very nearly sold the flat, the buyers played fast and hard with our stress levels, but we’re hoping to exchange and complete by the end of the month when we move to a beautiful rented house, with a sweet little garden.

Our little boy continues to bring complete joy to us. He pretty much sleeps through already, feeding around midnight and waking again at 6am. Unfortunately he’s suffering from diarrhea (sp?) at the moment since having his first routine jabs. We’re waiting for results to come back to see if there is anything causing it. Thankfully he’s not dehydrated and seems very content aside from this unpleasantness.

I had my final counselling session a couple of weeks ago and feel pleased on one hand but sad on the other. Everything is still very fresh and raw and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t remember the twins. I talk often with their brother about them and what it means that we still have him. I know he’s too little to understand properly but there are times when he stares deep into my eyes and I really feel we have such a connection, and that he somehow gets what I’m on about. Possibly wishful thinking, but hey, what’s wrong with that?

Ok, I promise to get on here again in the next day or so to talk more. But for now, my little boy needs his milk.

3 weeks & 2 days old Friday 8 August 2008

I’m still totally in love with our little boy and enjoying motherhood much more the 2nd time around. I’m guessing there is still a load of relaxin surging around my body because doing any walking, particularly with the pram, gives me terrible aches and pains in my back, knees, feet. However, today I took the last of my antibiotics and anti-infection tablets and fingers crossed, I’m back to relative normality!

I’ve had a quick look back at some of my earlier entries this evening. Such an odd feeling – it’s like it was yesterday, not over 6mths ago, yet it also feels slightly surreal and far away. It has brought back some of the rawness and has made me cry. I know I’m moving on because I’m able to cry not only for the loss of the triplets by the twins’ reduction, but also cry for me. Now I’m out on the other side (a place I really couldn’t imagine) I find it’s getting easier to recognise what a terrible thing we have been through. I am eternally grateful that counselling exists – my current counsellor is amazing and has really helped me work through some very difficult experiences (which are not just about the reduction & pregnancy). I don’t think I’ll every truly ‘get over’ it all but I am learning how to manage things in a different way. Accepting that what we did makes us who and what we are is important – the twins will never ever be forgotten or any less part of our family; I grieve for them everyday, but I look at my gorgeous son and deep down wonder if he would be here if we hadn’t gone through with the reduction. He’s so small and vulnerable and needy and I love him with all my heart, I need to be strong for him. Yet I know that I will talk to him about his siblings one day and I will show him the scan pictures. I hope he will understand and forgive us. Slowly slowly, I am learning how to understand and forgive myself. 

And now, my little one needs feeding. It’s weird how I just let my body do it’s thing whilst pregnant – it did the nurturing; now he’s here, it feels much more like I am in control of looking after his needs, and it’s me who is nurturing him, not just some biological occurrence.

Also feeling more connected with my daughter today as she asked for cuddles with me at least 3 times – something she hasn’t done for quite some time. I’ve missed my cuddles with her

A rather delayed birth story!! Monday 4 August 2008

Firstly, thank you to those of you who have posted comments wondering whether our little boy had arrived yet. It still amazes me to think that people are interested in reading my blog – many thanks to you all!

As you may have guessed, I have had our little boy – he arrived on 16th July, a whole 6 days early, and he’s just perfect 😀  Here’s the story:

I woke up on Weds 16th July at 6am with tummy cramps, initially I thought I was dreaming then realised that no, they were in fact real. They felt different to the cramps I had been having so I thought I’d time them (whilst my husband snoozed beside me) – I timed them for a couple of hours until about 8am – they were coming every 15 minutes and were strong but not uncomfortable. DH woke up and I told him that he should probably stay at home from work. Then we set about thinking what we should do about our daughter. Unfortunately her nursery was full that day so we called up DH’s mum who very kindly agreed to come and fetch her. It’s a 2hr drive for her so we carried on calmly with the day – I showered and ate breakfast and loaded up http://www.contractionmaster.com on my laptop so I could keep track of what was happening. We then phoned the labour ward to let them know that things were underway, and they said to phone back when the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart or if my waters broke.

So, around lunchtime, some builders turned up to assess a problem with the brickwork, then MIL arrived to fetch our daughter, followed by the internet grocery shopping I’d ordered the day before!! All rather hectic and it sent the contractions a bit haywire – they felt a little less intense and came on and off. Once everyone had gone and it was just me and DH, we were able to relax and I got my rhythm back again. They were coming every 6-7 minutes and starting to increase in intensity and length. We laid back on the sofa and watched The Incredibles (well, I did, my DH snored all the way through!!).

At around 5pm we decided to set up the birthing pool and I lit my aromatherapy candle so the bedroom became a virtual spa 🙂 I moved into the bedroom as the lights were a bit less harsh and the mood was set. Whilst DH sorted out the pool, I lay on the bed and breathed through each contraction, feeling calm and a little excited that this was really it. By 7pm we decided to time things for an hour before calling the labour ward again. At this point contractions were coming approx every 4 minutes and lasting from 40 seconds – over a minute. I sat on the birthing ball and rocked side to side which made things feel much easier and DH gave me lovely soft-touch massage on my back, whilst we played the hypnobirthing cd to really really relax. At 8pm ish we called the labour ward again to tell them that we were at a steady 4mins apart with each one lasting an average of 1minute – they were handing over from day to night shift so got a midwife to call me back at around 8.30pm. She agreed to come out and assess me, bringing a student mw with her. In the meantime I decided it was time to put on the TENS machine…

Only to discover it was malfunctioning – the ‘boost’ button which you press when having a contraction didn’t work, and the machine randomly flicked from regular to ‘burst’ mode without any intervention. This was entertaining for a short while but ultimately useless for the job intended. Thankfully a friend had offered us the use of their machine so a quick phone call later, they dropped it off then about 5 minutes later the mw turned up.

They watched me for a little while and asked some questions then took my temperature, blood pressure (weirdly lower than for almost the entire pregnancy!!) and baby’s heartbeat. Then they did the internal to see how dilated (if at all) I was. The mw went first whilst the student waited in the other room – the mw whispered in my ear that I was 6cm!! This was so unbelievably good to hear – I’d only got to 5cm after 2.5days of labouring with my dd, I could have cried with happiness. The student then did her examination and they discussed how they could feel the membranes bulging as our baby’s head was pressing right down. I think they were quite surprised how far along I was because the hypno techniques meant I was incredibly calm – chatting in between  contractions and really just letting my body do its thing. The mw then said they would leave us to continue whilst they sat in the living room, and that they would come and check on my progress, and listen in to baby’s hb every 15 minutes (obviously if we wanted them before we could just call out). Anyway, I phoned my mum to let her know how things were progressing (about 9.55pm) and had 3 huge contractions whilst on the phone. I had one check then the contractions were coming thick and fast. They didn’t hurt but were starting to be quite overwhelming – I got DH to check when it was ok for me to get in the pool and was told whenever I wanted. So, DH took off the TENs machine whilst I had 2 massive contractions bending over the bed. I clambered into the pool, knelt down and despite being told that the water would probably slow the contractions a little, I almost immediately felt the need to push (well actually I thought I was going to do a big poo!) the mws came running in and reassured me that there was nothing to be scared about, that my little boy was coming! They got me to feel his head which was amazing, then a big push (unprompted and not forced) the waters popped and I delivered his head, a couple of minutes later and the rest of him followed. I brought him to the surface and I will never ever forget the sight of that perfect little face looking up at me. He was tiny but perfect. My DH says I looked euphoric and that’s pretty much how I felt. 10.37pm, our beautiful boy was born weighing 6lb 8oz.

I got out of the pool and waited for the 3rd stage (delivery of the placenta) which happened about an hour after the birth without any interventions. I’d done it. I had my home waterbirth with no drugs (not even gas & air), no forced pushing or being told what to do. My body did it all and I remained calm throughout. No pain, no shouting, no swearing – a little ‘lowing’ (as in ‘the cattle are lowing’) – it was exactly as my birth plan.

The 2nd mw arrived after the birth and missed all the action! So he made tea for everyone instead. Once they’d done all their paperwork and checks, we were finally left to ourselves at around 1am. I had a quick shower, and we put some clean sheets on the bed then we snuggled up on the sofa, DH with a glass of wine, me with some squash and of course our beautiful little boy. It was amazing to be able to relax and enjoy this special time – so different to the birth of my dd where my DH was sent home at 4am and I was transferred to a ward with 3 other women & their newborns, left on my dirty sheet, unable to sit up (because of the epidural) and unable to sleep. 

So, all my worries and fears about bonding with my darling son were put to rest. I had a tear or two just after the birth and whispered to him how sorry I was about his siblings. I have cried for them since but I am so in love with our little boy – the moment I saw that face coming out of the water I couldn’t help but feel that way and I’m so happy.

Nearly 3wks on and I’m still feeling great about it all. He’s a complete poppet; sleeping and eating well, barely crying. His big sister is totally enchanted with him and gives him kisses all the time which is so sweet and lovely – I’m a very lucky mama 🙂  I’ve had some physical problems since the birth – including an infection in my uterus so am dosed up on antibiotics and anti-infection medication, but mentally things are just dandy. Again, the difference between this and how I felt after my dd is astonishing. I’ve cried over that – I feel so bad that I didn’t feel the way I do now, about her when she was born. But, I can’t change the past and I know how much I love her now (and did then, the mask of PND just hid it from me).

The placenta sits rather unceremoniously in our freezer until we can plant the cherry tree somewhere suitable, then the twins will have their special place. Although, they already have a special place within me and my ds (rather gruesome a thought for some I’m sure, but very comforting to me).

And there we are – a family of four, mama, daddy, dd and ds. And the cat! What a journey we’ve been on these last 9-10mths. I’ll continue with this blog but probably not as frequently. I hope one day my children will read it if they would like to.

Good news but feeling blue Tuesday 15 July 2008

We accepted a cash offer on the flat yesterday – a bit lower than we really wanted but DH has got the fear about it all and just wants it to go through quickly and painlessly, which a cash sale will almost guarantee. I feel fairly ambivalent about it – wishing I had the energy to play a bit more hardball with it. The offer did come a lot quicker than we imagined, it’s not been on the market a week yet! Still, she’s got herself a beautiful flat for a bargain price, and we get to clear our debts and find a rented house to move into for phase 2 of family life.

Talking of which, still nothing going on with Wriggler. I’m starting to believe I’m going to be pregnant forever, or at least he’ll hold on til the last possible minute (which is 3 wks today). Getting really fed up now – my back is really playing up which makes moving around incredibly painful and awkward – more so than normal. My hands and feet are constantly swollen and tight; sleeping is a nightmare, what with needing to pee every few minutes, raging heartburn and of course, the incredibly annoying tummy pains which seem exciting then just fade to nothing… It doesn’t help matters that a lot of my Due in July Bounty buddies are dropping babies left, right and centre. I feel ready to meet my little boy now (and if he stays much longer, my skin is going to literally come apart)

So the blues are here today. I should be feeling happy about the sale but can’t muster any real enthusiasm – there is a pile of paperwork to complete and numerous phone calls to make which I just can’t face. Baby is sitting tight and I really want to focus on him and get on with labouring, but I seem to be stuck between the two things and neither is going to move along without some input from me. Poor old DH is trying to get a ton of work sorted in case he gets ‘the call’ from me so he is less inclined to do house sale stuff and it seems unfair of me to ask him to quite frankly – I’m just sitting around at home waiting (and looking after our dd). Today, I will drop into the managing agents office and try to get some answers from them about house stuff, fetch dd from nursery, eat lunch with dd, then whilst she naps, I’ll order some shopping online.

And try to feel cheerful!