Still pregnant… Monday 7 July 2008

38wks tomorrow. Thought things were kicking off yesterday but it turned out to be a false alarm. This morning I had some discomfort in my lower abdomen but nothing regular. I know it’s still early but I’m getting pretty fed up now. My DD arrives back home soon with MIL in tow – thankfully she’ll be gone again tomorrow (MIL that is, not DD!) so I’m kind of hoping that nothing does happen today or tonight – really don’t want her hanging around.  I’m feeling rather down – maybe it’s just hormonal, maybe it’s deeper than that – who knows? I’m trying to feel happy, and I want to meet my son so much, but all I really feel like doing is crying My poor husband doesn’t know how to cope with me – all mood swings and snappiness.

Countdown commences Monday 30 June 2008

37 weeks tomorrow which means we can have our homebirth from then (all being well). The pool arrived today so a quick dash to the local DIY shop to find a suitable tap connector and we can have a test drive later on. Wriggler has definitely dropped down which makes breathing easier but walking harder – plus trips to the loo every few minutes as the pressure on my poor old bladder is constant

The antibiotics seem to be kicking in now but I’m still coughing and blowing gunk from my nose – yuk. It doesn’t really help with my breathing practice as I’m wheezing so doing the long slow breath in and out (used for contractions) is proving a bit tricky. Oh well.  The TENS machine arrived on Saturday too so we’re pretty much good to go. I’ve packed two bags in case of a hospital transfer – one for me and one for Wriggler and added in the energy bars. Our cupboards are now replete with chocolate biscuits and toast making ingredients to keep the midwife happy!

DH spent the weekend cleaning, tidying and doing DIY so the flat is looking good – we should be instructing our chosen estate agent today so it’s all go on all fronts. MIL will be coming down on Weds with the crib, baby car seat and baby bath that she’s had in her attic for us – just hope things don’t kick off whilst she’s here. Despite us telling her we didn’t want anyone around last time, she decided to turn up anyway which made us both pretty cross. I’m determined for it to be me and DH only this time, with our DD being the next person to meet Wriggler. Everyone else can just wait until we’re ready.

I’ll be seeing my midwife tomorrow so we’ll go through the birth plan and arrangements for a homebirth, then a counselling appt on Weds. As D-Day draws nearer, I can’t help but be reminded again of the twins we reduced and wonder what if…  I love them every bit as much as I love my DD and Wriggler, even though I never got a chance to meet them properly. They are still very much a part of me and will never be forgotten. I’m just so sad that we had to make the decision we did. I hope I can find some time to grieve properly for my two little babies, and that wherever they are, that they understand why we did what we did.  I’m not religious or even really that into ‘life after death’ type of thing but I hope they are kind of around and looking over us all. I know that physically they are literally a part of me having been partially absorbed and whilst that sounds a bit gruesome, it actually brings some small comfort. Emotionally the whole experience has impacted me greatly – a totally unexpected twist in our lives that has had to be incorporated somehow, and physically it’s the same I suppose (although on much less of a scale). But, life goes on and their brother is making his way into the world which brings happiness tinged with sadness. 

Bumpity Bump Friday 20 June 2008

An edited version of one of the lovely bump photos

We’re off this weekend for our mini-holiday and we’re all very much looking forward to it. The first thing I packed was the remainder of my hospital bag – now it has the tiniest babygros and vests included, along with a few essentials for Wriggler and me JUST IN CASE! Also have maternity notes and Hypnobirthing handouts to take too. One more estate agent to deal with today then I can get packing the regular stuff that we need to take. 

MIL thinks that we shouldn’t go to the Eden Project as I will be too hot and waddling around – honestly, we can’t win sometimes! If I get too hot, I’ll leave or go and sit in a cafe, it’s really not a big deal. I’ll take plenty of water with me and won’t push myself to get around if it’s too much. The weather forecast doesn’t look great, but I hope we can get to see a few rock pools and the beach, even if it’s only for a short time. Just getting away will be a good thing.

Ok, over and out for the moment. Let’s hope Wriggler stays put for another couple of weeks

35wks tomorrow Monday 16 June 2008

Finally feels like we’re getting there which is alternately great and bloody scary. We’re kind of ready – 2 valuations arranged for thursday and the gas smell finally sorted (leaking gas meter) so we may be good to go with getting the flat on the market before Wriggler arrives. 

We’re off to my parents at the weekend then for a mini-break to Cornwall which we’re all looking forward to. Rather a long time to sit in the car, but hopefully it’ll be worth it. DD can’t wait already. I shall be taking my notes and hospital bags just in case. I’m not taking any chances this time. Last night I had some discomfort in my lower abdomen, bottom of the bump which were either Braxton Hicks or I’ve pulled a muscle but it did make me sit up and think, ok, it really could be any day now.  At least we have been doing some Hypnobirthing practice – whether it’s enough is another story!

Over the weekend a good friend came over with all his photography gear and spent most of Saturday taking pictures of me, DH and DD – mostly of me and the bump (which looks impressively large at 45″ around). Apparently he is a complete whizz with Photoshop, but amazingly the raw shots had some absolute gems – I actually look good Can’t wait to see them magicked up!

Counselling Part II Thursday 12 June 2008

I had my first session with the local GPs counsellor yesterday and it was great, she was great. I really feel we connected and she ‘got’ where my head was. Basically, trying to deal with grief and loss of my twins and also trying to feel the joy of pregnancy – both conflicting emotions which pull me in two completely different directions at the same time. Quite a feat and pretty painful. She feels (not unlike me) that the birth itself will potentially be quite traumatic emotionally as it will be the final physical letting go of the twins, alongside the excitement as we meet our little boy for the first time. Once again, I’m amazed by how much just having someone say back to me what I already feel/know feels such a relief. I sometimes am so wrapped up in life – which continues ‘normally’ with the fun, stress and non-stopness of being a mum to a toddler – that there is no real time to go through the grieving process, or really even the excitement of being pregnant again. I don’t want to keep ‘going on’ to my family and friends; in my head, they’ve heard enough and more than once I’ve been told (although nicely) to move on and look forward. It sounds so easy but is incredibly hard, if not impossible to do. 

I’m glad to say, I’m booked in for two more appts which are scheduled before the due date and she wants to see me after the birth too. Apparently there are a lot of factors which make me high risk for another bout of post natal depression. Being aware of it makes me less afraid, and I know how much help there is out there. I just hope that my husband, family and friends will do the right thing if I can’t diagnose myself – they are all prepped in advance, as are my GP, midwife, and now counsellor.

So, counselling – absolutely amazing. I’m very lucky to be offered it and I look forward to my next session.

The homestretch Monday 9 June 2008

It could be any day although the reality is more likely 4-8wks. We are ok for a home waterbirth from 37 wks (I’ll be 34 wks tomorrow) so I hope he hangs on until then. We have a small amount of decorating to finish before we finally get the flat on the market – I’m determined to have it for sale before we have this little fellow, because once he arrives, life will be manic and we’ll never get around to it.

Healthwise, I’m ok – we had a small scare a couple of weeks ago when I had a terrible headache and felt nauseous all day so we ended up paying a trip to the labour ward for monitoring. Thankfully pre-eclampsia was ruled out and we think it was probably just a migraine or virus. I’m now having fortnightly midwife appointments and last time we discussed what might be done with the placenta – I’ve been thinking more and more about this as the time comes to give birth. Initially I thought keeping the placenta was a bit gross, but the more time goes on, I think it would be nice to bury it with the twins’ cherry tree. It won’t be *just* the placenta but the twins will be part of it, along with their placenta – it’s some sort of closure for me to bury them together and have a resting place for them. Even though it’s still a bit freaky to think too hard about.  I’ve also had a call from the GPs counsellor who can fit me in for at least one session before my due date. I had wondered if I needed it, but now that it’s been offered, I feel it’s a good thing to go along. I’m definitely not over my grief and guilt of the reduction and in fact as I near the due date, the more it’s on my mind and I’ve had a few weepy moments. Interestingly over the weekend I ended up talking at length to a friend who initially I had thought would have reason to judge (she’s Catholic). However she was a great listener and seemed to understand that we’d been through hell and back and had considered every option possible before coming to the dreadful decision that we did. She told me of a quote from Richard E Grant about grief which goes something like this: ‘You never get over grief, but you do learn to walk around it’. That makes a lot of sense. 

And so as we reach those last few weeks, I’ve got my TENS machine ordered, hospital bag packed for me, baby’s one is prepared and needs putting in a bag (just in case of course!), vague plan of what to do with dd when things kick off, website bookmarked for the birth pool. Birth plan needs to be written up ready, a firmer plan for dd needs to be settled. The decorating needs to be finished and the flat on the market. But we’ll get there!

Other news: DD has potty trained successfully day and night – she’s taken to it like a duck to water, clearly it was the right thing to do to wait until she was ready. We attended our friends’ wedding over the weekend and it was great – beautiful weather, great service, lovely reception. I felt glamourous next to my handsome husband and dd looked so cute it was unbelievable!

Phew, it’s warm today Wednesday 21 May 2008

But I’m feeling a lovely sense of well being. Things are all ticking along very nicely – dd has taken to potty training brilliantly and all we have to tackle now is nighttime and nap time staying dry; 4D scan was wonderful; Venture photography was great and we resisted the temptation to buy loads of pictures; I finally have a gorgeous outfit (complete with shoes and bag) for the wedding we’re going to in June; the decorating is almost complete.

Courtesy of iampregnant.com

 

Dates and numbers: 
There are 61 days until your due date on July 22, 2008. 
You are 219 days pregnant. 
You are 7.2 months pregnant. 
You are in your 8th month of pregnancy. 
Your 3rd trimester: April 29, 2008 to July 22, 2008. (28 – 40 weeks)

I weigh 11 stone and I would give a bump measurement but I can’t find the tape measure – but it feels pretty big!

Just one of several wonderful photos we got from the 4D scan. He was mostly sleeping so we didn’t bother with the DVD but it was just fantastic to see him having little wriggles, and waving his arm around at the end. He looks like his sister and daddy and is a proper cutie (well, if him mama can’t say that, who can?!) I can’t wait to meet him now – it’s definitely helped me with the bonding thing.

 

30wks tomorrow Monday 12 May 2008

Another milestone about to be reached. Although 8-10wks to go still sounds like a long wait. We must start practicing the Hypnobirthing techniques, particularly as the course was so brilliant this time around. I’ve organised a basic hospital bag (something I didn’t do last time), know which birthing pool to order, have got the carrycot bit for our Xplory, washed all clothes and sheets and all we have to do now is find a name for the Wriggler. We hope that seing him a bit more clearly at the 4D scan on Friday will help a little, although he usually behaves very coyly at scans.

Not sure if it’s the heat but he has barely stopped moving over the last couple of days, which is nice in some ways but also quite tiring. I nearly fainted in the kitchen yesterday – just because it’s hot and the oven was on. DH came to the rescue Today my hands and feet feel swollen and tight and all I really want to do is lie in the cool and sleep; the chances of that happening are about as good as odds on pigs doing a fly-by passed the window!

Can’t remember when I last posted or in fact what I posted… so sorry if I repeat myself. I got signed off from my consultant last Tuesday as the pregnancy is all developing as it should. It’s only really in my head where the ‘problem’ lies. I still can’t shake off my feelings of deep guilt and sadness about the twins. There isn’t a day goes by where I don’t think about what we did and whether it was the right choice. There are now at least two ladies on Bounty who have announced triplet pregnancies (and of course, they are going ahead) and I can’t help myself but read their stories. A tiny bit of me wants to hear that things don’t work out which is pretty sick to admit, but if they are successful, it’s just another smack in my face, proving that it can be done, and relatively easily.

We got around to buying a cherry tree the other week, and the recent sunshine has seen it sprouting lots of greenery on an otherwise lifeless looking stick. Signs of spring with bittersweet undertones.

Decorating has been more off than on, but the carpenter and his dad came back today and finished hanging the doors and sorting out of the laminate floor edging (well, some of it). Also, the underfloor heating which we installed at least 3yrs ago, is finally connected to the electricity supply. On the hottest day of the year so far. There must be some irony in that. Our latest plan is to sell up asap, pay off our debts, hopefully keep a chunk of money for a deposit, then rent for 6mths-1yr locally. It doesn’t matter then if prices rise, fall or stay the same – we’ll still be in a better position than when we started out, despite not having the flat as an asset. Initially a little scary, but the more we talk it through, the more appealing it seems. Plus, we’re planning a 3wk holiday over Christmas and New Year, somewhere warm, with a kids club so we can escape the usual shenanigans, and be somewhere far away from the memories that will surely return as the anniversary of discovering the triplets approaches.

Enough for tonight, time to sleep.

Ummm Thursday 24 April 2008

Almost at the start of the third trimester (I think) and the physical uncomfortableness has started to kick in. My tummy/bump is tight and immovable making bending over, reaching and all manner of normal movements quite impossible. Even turning over in bed at night becomes an epic adventure as I battle with pains in my lower back as well as the effort of heaving the bump with me as we rotate through 90 degrees; if it wasn’t so uncomfortable, it would be most amusing! Heartburn is thankfully at a minimal level currently, the chalky Rennie tablets seem to be adequate for the time being, but the snoring and snuffling is coming on very well indeed – not quite at the snoring whilst awake level just yet, but I reckon a couple more weeks and I’ll be there.

Weight wise, I’m still a couple of pounds off of putting on a stone, despite best efforts to eat my way through every triple choc giant cookie that I find. Or choc doughnuts, or choc crispy cornflakes, or Double Deckers, or choc cheesecake (are you sensing a theme here yet?!). Roll on strawberry season – the ones in the shop currently are just not doing it – they’re too hard, sharp or distinctly un-strawberry like. Meh. Thankfully (I think) the weight I am putting on seems to be entirely bump and boob targetted – I’m already on my third bra size increase – a rather impressive 38E right now (I started at 34D, although for years as a young woman I was fairly small at 34B). I just hope that they don’t do that weird deflating thing after this pg and become like empty socks

Tempting fate, I have no stretchmarks so far (I didn’t get any last time either) but I’m slathering myself in The Sanctuary’s Mum to Be body butter and stretch mark oil just in case. Even if it doesn’t actually work, it smells delicious and makes my skin feel nice and soft.

And finally, after about a month of searching all the online maternity clothes shops, I have ordered myself a (hopefully) gorgeous dress to wear to a friends wedding in early June. It’s a halter neck one in emerald green from Picchu once it arrives and I make sure it’s as good on me as it looks in the pictures, I can concentrate on the fun bit – SHOES!! I’ll have the perfect excuse to have very high heels which I won’t be able to walk far in – being pg I can sit down as often as I like surely I do so love shoes and rarely get a chance to wear pretty heels – being more of a trainers or crocs kinda girl these days. It’s not easy to push a buggy or chase a toddler with killer heels on y’know!

Next week is all go on the appt front – I have my 28wk appt with the midwife where I have to do the glucose test (drinking lucozade then a blood sample is taken), not really looking forward to that very much. Lucozade tastes horrible and I really hate having my blood taken. Oh well. Then we’re off on our intensive weekend Hypnobirthing course – MIL will come down and babysit our dd whilst we spend all day Saturday and Sunday doing the course. We did a course in 2005 with a different practitioner and absolutely loved it so it was a no-brainer to sign up again. I started to practice the ‘Rainbow Relaxation’ technique a week ago and was amazed how quickly I was able to ‘go under’. It’s really incredibly relaxing so I’m looking forward to the ‘walking on air’ feeling after the course.

And, we’ve almost got a 4D scan booked for mid May with Baby Premier. I say almost because despite saying they have appts available on the date/time we wanted, I haven’t heard anything since. I’ll give it until Monday then call and see what’s what. Despite having to travel to London, they are still cheaper than the local one, plus I like that rather than sign up for a ‘package’ beforehand, you get to choose after the appt. During it, they record a DVD and take still photos, then depending on how the baby behaves or how much you like them, you can buy both, one, or neither for a reasonable additional cost (£30 for DVD, £20 for photos). I’m not bothered especially about a DVD – can’t really imagine watching it (a bit like a wedding video) but I’d love some pictures. The last few 2D scan pics have been awful – the last one looks like some horrible alien/skeleton which even my mum was repulsed by. Poor little fellow, I’m sure he’s as cute as a button really but right now the best idea we have is from the 13wk scan where he looks almost identical to his big sister.

Wow – this turned into a looooooong post. The Wriggler is practicing his favourite pasttime of bouncing on my bladder so must go before there’s a terrible accident

Monday 14 April 2008

I came across this (found here) today and it’s probably the first time I’ve actually seen some statistics written anywhere other than in medical papers.

Risks of multiple pregnancies is high

Multiple pregnancies are a greater risk to the mother and the babies. The risk is greater for twins than single babies but rises dramatically with three babies or more. Without selective reduction 13 per cent of multiple pregnancies end with no live babies, and more than 15 per cent end with premature babies.

And this (from here)

CONCLUSION: In trichorionic triplet pregnancies, embryo reduction to twins does not improve the chance of survival but may reduce the rate of handicap. Reduction from triplets to singletons may reduce both the survival rate and the handicap rate among survivors.

I still can’t help but feel we weren’t given enough information about the management of an id twin pregnancy compared with a reduced singleton one. The statistics seem contradictory and confusing the more I find. I probably shouldn’t keep looking, but I really can’t help myself. I guess I’m searching for the elusive ‘that choice was the best one medically’ statistic, which would absolve me somewhat. Although in my heart of hearts, I know that any of our ‘what if…’ options would have me here thinking and researching the others, there is no real peace to be found, only acceptance and a desire to do the best with what we have. I’m usually a great believer in letting the past go, or at least not letting it affect ones future, but maybe it’s too fresh right now to move on just yet. Accepting that bad & horrible things happen sometimes, but having to also accept that it doesn’t mean we are bad & horrible, or that bad & horrible things should continue to happen, or that we should somehow punish ourselves even more for the decisions we made. They have been made and acted upon; we cannot change them. It’s easy to write, say, even think, but much more difficult to believe. I hope to get there someday, but I’m also aware that maybe I never will, and I will just need to live with that.

Back to the here & now – must sign off and change my dd’s nappy. Roll on potty training!